Thursday, May 17, 2007
random updates
first of all, lemme reply to my lovely taggers...shasha.wirawan: erm, sorie but i dun happen to noe you.. do i? tag me back okies... chiao...shasha.ain: hey girl, sorie i didnt update ma blog for so long.. been caught up with something.. so now im updating... cheers..okies... now here goes ma entry for the day...basically, i've been sick for aredi 4 days..been having high fever of 38.8degrees... so, physically, i've been very weak lately.. til i can't move much.. Mon had to take care of me while he's here.. he gets ma meals ready on time.. gets ma medications ready.. tekap ice cold water on my body while i slept.. til he was so super tired, he fell asleep beside me on the job.. hehe..yes, its tatz rabak.. but i'm recovering now.. slowly tat is... i still can't stand longer than 8minutes.. coz i'll start to feel giddy-high and nausea... well, tatz life wen i'm sick...i've been online the whole afternoon, trying to get on with the posting but blogger got tis stupid error issue... now (11.48pm) den i got to create a new post...i viewed most friends profile at friendster... tag a testimonial on their profile... chat with few peeps at msn... bloghopping... talking about bloghopping... i asked from edmund, my secondary class chairman, for fiza's blog url.. well, he was kinda shocked la that i asked for it coz of the conflict i had with fiza... so he asked "why so sudden?" den i reply la "i miss her la ed..." well, truth is, in fact, i do... i miss her alot...Fiza has been my bestfriend for 3years... not forgetting tasha too... we 3 girls gone thru alot of obstacles in life... we share almost about everything.. we talk, cry, laugh, get angry, everything, together... but all of it stops when Liyana went into the picture... Ever since then, our friendship got damaged bcoz of the rumours, and we 3 got spilt up... reali split up far apart from each other...(continue.. got stopped for awhile to eat meal n medication)anw, we didnt contact for quite a long time now.. i even got so angry at her, i fucked her and told her off.. coz she kept bragging about how great having Liyana as her bestfriend... even tasha start to malas layan her aredi... a year plus haf past.. i haf to admit, it took quite a while for me to cool off.. even tasha cooled off at the same time as me.. we both was talking about fiza lately and decided to give our friendship with fiza anotha chance...so, i msg fiza at friendster but never got a reply.. texted her at her fone, oso no reply.. i duno.. i give up on this aredi... Fiza can't blame me for this.. i dun understand.. why say we're bestfriends when you jux dump me and tasha for liyana... why say we'll stick together when you won't.. somehow after all that haf happen, i reali miss you girl...i read her blog just now.. read every single post in her blog.. yes, every single one... some of which hurts me alot... never in my life i maki her or told her off coz i reali care for her.. but jux tat once after she dump both me n tasha.. most of her entries were actually saying tat she hates what i say to her tat fine day and tat she's happy with what she haf now.. after reading everything.. i find myself crying... not because i was hurt of the entries... its bedause i noe that she's gone for good... real good... i won't get her back.. i reali care for her dearly like a sister to me.. taz too... but now i noe she rather live in her fantasize world that she created with Liyana.. as what has been posted in her blog..i miss her.. the girl who i used to celebrate my birthday with even tho our birthday dates are like one month apart.. haix... i can't seem to say anything.. i lost her.. for real good... *wipe tears*i may be hardhearted, stubborn n hot-tempered chic.. but i still do haf a heart of caring for friendships and bonds... why can't she just get it over and done with..? why can't she let things cool off and start another fresh life? why is she still insisting that the friendship between us 3 are over and fuck done with.. haiz... i dun understand...Norhafiza Md Shah. 29 April 89. Taurus. ex-girlfren/bestfren.
i still miss you tho you hate tasha n me.
should i be the one apologising? should i be the one seeking for ways to mend the broken friendship? haix.... *tearing* i duno.. should i jux let go of her and the memories? should i jux forget about her? should i forgive her? should i? you tell me. *holding back tears*
next, self mutilations... haiz... as much as you people out there may hate that due to your own reasons, i hate it coz i've been thru it before... i had ma reasons...
cutting or slashing owns wrist is stupid in many people's eyes.. but it provide a sense of satisfaction to the person doing it.. how would i noe? trust me. i've done it before. not recently. but years back.
it makes the person feel better and forget the problems that the person is facing even tho for a short period of time.. it hurts after sometime.. but frequently doing it makes the person feels numb to it.. like cutting up is no big deal...
Fika, i told you before not to do it again.. but you still do it.. i noe you feel hurt.. but you made a promised.. maybe not only to me but alot others too.. girl, i told you countless times, i've been in your shoes once.. Trust me.. i'm much more worst than you can ever imagine me being what i will describe... i was much of a death person.. Owas thinking of death.. Suicide.. Self-mutilation.. Killings.. tonnes more... i noe you can't imagine me doing all that.. but guess what, thatz me, last time... i hate to open up my past but coz you did it, i might as well, tell you everything..
once i tried to jump from 13th floor at bukit batok... but was stopped by my guy.. we were arguing almost every single day for over 2 months straight... try be in my shoes fika.. what will you do... but i didn't jump...
another time i tried to jump into the river (outside fullerton hotel) after a month of depression due to family probs.. countless times i try doing it but i didn't jump... i am still sane you knoe..
i even tried to kill tis few girls who got in my way of doing something.. but i didn't.. i may look innocent girl.. but i can be vicious if i want to.. but i hide my wild side...
another time i got enuf of shit aredi, i put my pocket knife pointed at my throat.. nice spot enuf for someone to jux accidentally langgar me and the knife went thru my throat and out to the back of my neck... i was fighting, war of words with my guy.. with war of thoughts in my head... with alot of aching in my body... fika, imagine me at knife point.. but, still i didnt do it... til today, nobody allow me to bring my pocket knife with me..
fika, think... you do all that just coz you are facing heartbreaks... try be in my real shoes girl.. maybe you'll understand why i go thru life doing all that... i might be putting myself at knife point, but i'm still not insane enuf to kill myself or hurt myself... why.. coz i got people who cares for me.. people who love me.. probs come and go.. but trust me.. you're not facing the same probs that im facing in my entire life...
you promised girl.. you promised.. but you still do it.. i can't say i'm disappointed.. i jux broke down when i noe it happen again... i dun wan anymore stupid things happening... so pls dik.. dun do it again...
.nur syafiqah.
-shasha-180507-
12.51am
the path i've chosen ;
8:39 AM
