[...to fatt...]
well... i gotta say this my dear sis, fatt... its hard enuf to forget someone you once love as more than a fren... i understand... but its harder to forget someone who is actually related to you... i noe how you feel my dear... but what to do... hes already gone... lets face the fact... he won't come back... lets jux pray for him so that he'll be able to rest in peace... let him go girl.. even if you can't seem to... let him go... hez a loveable guy i gotta admit... but you jux gotta let him go now...

i understand what your thoughts are.. i understand how you feel... i saw the way you cried at the day we were all present at his house for his burial... i saw the way you nid someone to jux hug you and let you jux cry out your hurt... i noe... i was crying too i admit that... i jux had to cry out every hurt im feeling at that point of time... to be frank, i cried my journey home... the hurt was still fresh... my tears were my companion throughout my journey home and through the days of the month... it took me quite alot of strength to hold back those tears when im in scul... i finally manage to have a grip of myself... but i only manage to forget about the incident 1o months later...

though right now i actually remembered about the whole thing again, the wounds are like being slashed open... but im okae with it coz im much stronger now...



[...updates...]
im sick and tired of hiding... im sick and tired of fighting... enough of all this crap... its time for me to end it... i kept trying to keep Mizfire hidden in me... kept behind her unlocked cage... but people kept testing my patience.. which gives Mizfire a golden chance to escape and start her chaos.. but with someone who stayed by my side... he kept telling me to keep her out of sight... dun let her out.. he said.. cool down baby... cool her down... i will... and thatz my promise to him.. i never asked for this to happen.. you created my fears into reality.. you unlocked her cage.. you answer for the consequences... dun fuck around with me... fuck off instead...

i jux got home yesterday, 180706, close to midnight... i went out on monday, got something on to handle.. didnt went home... tomorrow is another day.. im sick and tired of this case of mine.. when will it end..? thatz my question that kept playing in my head... but no matter what, he is always here to be with me thru thick and thin... he do anything to see me hapie.. smiling and laughing away... gawd... i still love him alot...

i nid to log off now.. nid to do something.. planning for my case to win.. pray for me ya.. thankiew..

take care ppl... n btw meeznur, NEVER call my house... thanks...

[...190706...]
...[6.05pm]...
[...Shidah signingout...]



[...i miss you...]
first of all i've added picz at the bottom of this page... go take a look...

yanNur: sheesh... thanks ya girl...

baby, i miss you... what did i do to deserve this...? i can't let it go... i can't go on... i dun have the strength... haix... where are you... empty heart... silent mind... no msg... no calls... what is goin on..? is the past reliving the present..? i dun have the answers to all ma questions... will you be the one to answer it for me..? how..? gawd... haix...

shidah signing out...

[...12 july 06...]
...[12.37pm]...



[...hurting memoirs...]
well fatt... all i gotta say is that life's like this... its what we're sapoze to go thru.. got to admit it ar... sometimes i feel like giving up.. but lucky for me i still haf him n frenz who disapprove me of giving up... i still continue on...

well..... haix... i thot i could forget that day... that day that i lost a cousin.. close cousin... Muhd Hazwan... Why am i writing about him... well.. to be frank... i saw his name on fatts blog.. and all of it came back.. and i really mean all... i miss him.. alot... hez a great fren.. a cool cousin.. fun and loving.. smart too.. but all of it doesnt matters now.. coz hez no more here.. hez gone to face god.. i prayed that his sins will be forgiven by god... it hurtz to remember the past that you try to forget... it kills you inside too... haiz...

me and ma soul sis are already talking.. i manage to talk her out of the whole freaking arguement... it hurtz sak argueing with her... at one point, i almost thot our sisterhood and bondship is gonna crash... but i guess i did make the right move ar... forget it lah.. i dun wanna talk about it... i feel better that we're on talking terms now...

i miss ma baby... i wonder if hez okae.. well... i hope he is... later gonna meet him... miss him alot.. its been a great 4 months 24 days and duno how many hours or minutes, with him.. alot of funny incidents.. alot of crappy ones too.. alot of sad ones... but all of it i'll treasure.. till the day i die... its cool to have someone like him around to make the day.. hez the best.. i love him to bitz... im beginning to love his prince(S) like ma own brotherz aredi.. i thank them for entering my life..

i love every single moment i spent the day with you... i love every bit of you.. i love who you are.. i love the memories we shared.. the pain, the joy, the laughter... all of it.. i love anything that is related or link up to you... i love you baby... muackz...

[...10 july 06...]
...[12.56pm]...
[...i miss ma baby/husband alot....]



[...tanx girlz...]
first of all, lemme reply to ur tagz...

yanNur: yep.. got it.. thankz girl.. u're sweet..


Zura: thankz sis.. tat was what im hoping to... tat she'll go away... well... let time heal the wounds... thankz sis...

next, herez ma entry for today...

it wasnt what i expected... true enuf she created that sparks to be a fire that run wild... but nevermind, i can still be patient.. onie to a certain extent ar... shez like pressuring me to squeeze the trigger of the gun im holding when she knew that the gun im holding is pointed to her direction and at her.. what a stupid thing to do.. pushing her luck too far...

she brought so much pain in ma life.. how i wished she didnt join our group.. how i wished she didnt knoe me, him, wal and jack.. ever since then, shez the cause of our fightz and quarellz.. for four fucking months i kept my mouth sealed shut.. thot she would go away.. but i was wrong.. she didnt.. can somebody please come and tell me what to do... im soo at loss now.. i duno what to do.. all i noe is that i must save this relationship of mine.. no matter what.. it mean alot to me to just let it crash down just like that... therez no way im going to do that.. haix.. i nid that strength to carry on and pull myself together and think of ways to stop this shit..

i haven told ma elder sis about this.. if she ever found out about this shit, she'll sure to blow up and find that bitch.. i will tell her tonight.. i guess.. but i'll sure to tell her...

i can't tell ma soul sista... between me and her got some probs that needs to be settled... we're not on talking terms.. this sux.. sis, if you're reading ma blog, good enuf.. we've been sistaz for almost 12 years now.. we pronounced sistaz when we're 9.. what happen to our sistaz bondship..? why do you want it to crash just like that..? if you remembered, this isn't the first time we fight.. and this as hell wasn't the first time we're not on talking terms.. come sis.. talk to me.. letz settle this shit out.. we'll stop this shit once and for all.. i had enuf of our disagreementz.. coz when therez 'hal' to settle, i can't seem to contact you.. wen we need you here to settle stuffz, you're jux not here.. talk to me.. we stop this disagreement..

ma broz have yet to knoe.. i dun want them to knoe.. its something that they shouldnt noe coz itz ma personal life space.. but all i noe, even without me telling them, one fine day when they come back to the group, they'll sure as hell noe about it.. nevermind, let them find out themselves.. all i noe by the time they noe about it, itz aredi settled.. i hope..

haix.. i'll stop here for now.. i'll update later..

[...1.09pm...]
...[07 july 06]...



[...chill gurl chill...]
sometimes i think you're pushing your luck girl.. pushing your freaking luck too far.. you just made me blew up yesterday... hez not in the wrong.. i will not blame him.. you're the one who got no freaking shame and regards him as your guy and can still say that everything has already happened.. like love, lust and infactuation... fuck you lah... you still got the cheek to tell me he got his and you got yours... cross over my dead body than you can come and get him and tell the whole werld that hez yours...

all i know love never happened... lust did happen.. but too bad lah.. you being lusty to your self.. freaking asshole... nothing happened between you two idiots.. he has only treated you and regards you like one of his friends... nothing more... you're taking things into your own fantasies for far too long aredi.. i kept quiet for four fucking months... its time i open up my mouth and say out what i needed to say a long time ago... as for him, i'll settle later... as for you, you better make sure i dun see you at werk when i come down.. if not, you'll get ready to have a very very very very long coffee session with me..

haix.. chill gurl chill... this shit will end soon.. as soon as she (someone who i've been waiting for to help me with this) comes down... relax gurl.. you can do this.. hold on... hold on longer... don't ever let go.. you have never taught to give up neither taught to let go when you can still hold on... gawd... i need the strength to carry on... how much longer would this shit last... come on.. im a strong gurl.. i can take this shit.. i can end it too... nevermind... just need to take some time out... time alone to clear my mind out... time alone from everyone and everything... haix.. im a strong gurl.. nevermind.. can still take this shit one..





[...drained out...]
i was aslp wen i log off jux now. rite now it sux. coz im feeling very very very drained out.. and im having trouble breathing too.. i wonder what is happening to me... its either jux me or because someone is having it n im affected too... geez.. tis situation really sux..

now im feeling hungry... budden i got not much energy to walk over to kitchen.. nevermind.. still alive.. still can go over kitchen to eat... well... im goin off now... come back later...

[...5.39pm...]