Thursday, January 25, 2007
. haix . super stuck in the centre .
okies.. i noe ma latest few entries haf been sounding so disturbed.. but guys, pls dun get the wrong idea that he's treating me bad.. no.. that's sooo not true.. its typical you noe.. In relationship, there's bound to be fights and quarells...here's another depressed entry..We seem to haf worked things out.. We've talked last night.. I've let out what i felt.. but there's a few things still bugging me.. but i need to tell you in person and in private..First, i feel stuck.. i duno where to begin.. i duno where to end it.. i duno how to work things out.. im just stuck.. stuck between 2 people.. a guy and a gal.. haix.. the guy is my guy cum my husband... the girl is ma foster sister.. Look, kak, i noe you gonna read ma blog pretty often coz you want your answers.. But here's what im really feeling...You've been controlling my life last time, when the times of to which we were still very close.. coz as you noe i can get wild.. thanks.. i appreciate it.. but kak, im a grown up now.. im no more that little sister you have to protect like last time.. I noe ma life better now.. Even if i get wild, my guy is here to control me.. He noes my weakness and he noes my strong points.. He noes how to control ma anger, he noes how to stop me from fighting, he noes how to calm me down... he noes kak.. he noes...Pwincess: since when?why?wad had u promised me?Since when, i can't answer that.. Why, i haf ma reasons kak... what had i promised you? well, kak, if you wanna dig up last time stories and promises.. i can tell you this, you broke more promises to me than i do.. i onie broke it once, which is now..How many million times did i adviced you to stop smoking? Even till you got that lung infection, you didnt tell me straight... i still remember clearly as if it happened yesterday.. I was at the bedok skate park with Atiqah.. we were slacking.. You came to meet me.. But you didnt talk to me.. Instead you tell atiqah the news first.. and told her not to tell me.. then you walk off.. kak, you noe i had so much anger in me last time, why had you do it..?? why did you lie to me and onie try to explain things out when i figured and discovered the truth?? why?? answer me ar..Then there's this time, you promised to give equal attention to me and the rest of you so called beloved adiks... especially Hajar.. kak.. you lied.. do you noe tat? You spent so much time with her, even when i tried to talk to you for just that moment, you rather talk to her.. not trying to sound lesbian here.. coz i an't one.. but you lied to me..and you stop ma fight with atiqah... i shouted right at your face asking who the fuck are you.. You said you were ma sister.. but it was onie then.. after that you vanished again.. with all that, you telling me you're ma sister..?? kak, you protected me.. but you ignored me.. i dun understand..right now, im attached.. he's my guy.. my onie husband.. my guy noes when to let me haf ma freedom and when to start controlling me when i start to go out of control.. He's strict with me.. but i still haf ma freedom.. and he keep his promises... We dun make promises when we noe we arent able to keep it, but we told each other that we'll try to make things right.. coz he noe i DUN like to break promises and i DUN like people who break their promises..coz between me and my guy, we told each other everything.. so i told him about this... about you getting angry when you found out.. He blew up.. he got so angry, i had a hard time cooling down, so i just keep quiet and let him cool down by himself.. in this case, you guys are fighting indirectly.. and im stuck in the centre.. i duno where to start or stop.. duno what to do.. duno what to ignore.. duno how to set myself free from this sadness im feeling...i've been crying kak.. i've been crying baby.. trust me.. this indirect fight is getting me nowhere.. i've been feeling so down... its killing me.. it really is.. haix.. i duno... i feel so stuck.. pls tell me what to do..i need time to think and sort this out..but...baby, i need you... i need comfort.. i need ur warm hugs that relaxes me... haix..shasha.-250107-11.49pm-= my hands are tight and my heart is not free == set me free from all this.. = set me free kak == help me guys =
the path i've chosen ;
7:17 AM
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
. wat is actuali going on? .
what is actuali going on..? everything is making me confused.. how to talk to you just about almost everything when you're inside of camp? and somehow im sorry to say this baby, you seem different.. you seem to be thinking of things but not telling me.. and you seem to be keeping things from me.. alot of things..why? why is this all happening? i dun understand.. baby, i miss the great times we used to have... before you entered, everything jux seems right... but now, everything jux to be falling apart.. its tearing me apart baby.. can't you see that? i hope so.. coz i miss you.. im sorry. forgive me..- can't you see ma heart is breaking? -shasha240107 - 10.13pm
the path i've chosen ;
6:08 AM
Thursday, January 18, 2007
. Silence ma companion .
haix.. wat more can i say..? wat more can i speak up for..? useless.. there's nothing more to say.. nothing more to uphold.. nothing more to regret.. wat the hell.. i never regret being with you.. all i want you to knoe is i need you and no one else..hate my guys frenz as you wish.. be suspicious of them as u like.. all i noe, i noe them better... i've been with them for all ma life before you came... but i dun care if u wanna be suspicious of them.. i noe u care.. i noe...but sometimes, it jux hurts me as much... u're drifting apart again... i dun understand why... it used to happen.. and noe its happening again?? i dun get it... wat the hell... okies.. so this the part which i refuse to let it hapen n it happen?? and im the onie one to save it all..?? im the one to make things go right again..??u're super super stress up.. yes i noe.. its not as if i duno.. i noe.. i understand it all.. but to the extend that i can't joke around with you no more, it makes me feel u're apart.. why?? why did u let it all happen?? haix.. i can't say no more.. i dun wanna hurt u... fuck it..let silence be ma companion.. coz onie silence can console me.. onie silence understands..-shasha--19jan07-12.48pm-
the path i've chosen ;
8:37 PM
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
. sick n helpless .
i still sick... haix... recovering very slowly from a very very bad sorethroat.. walao... but all i noe, im feeling kinda helpless at the moment.. wat to do.. wat should happen..sorie adik fizah, to make you worrie tat way... didnt meant to keep it from you that im sick.. but i dun wan you to worrie for no reason... do understand that... you got school to attend... i dun wan your attention to be focused on the wrong things... okies..? im okies la.. not to worrie... i miss you too syg.. i love you too syg..thanks baby for the surprise wish last night.. exact at 00 00hrs, u wished me happy 11months anniversary... thanks ehk... you reali caught me off guard... happy anniversary to you too honey... muackz.. love ya loads...updated my CLT's blog jux now... changed the skin too... love it sak.. its overall job well done... most of all i love this line : "For her my serpents uncoil, Like Hell her inside boils.." nice kan... its so like me... of coz... i was the one tat do it.. haha..msn nick changed:
[_Shasha_] = satan's little helper = [_Monster_] :: Straight To Hell. Bon Voyage. ::personal msg changed:
demonic kid is here to stay. u can't make me leave.im satanic. and im loving it.-shasha--160107-5.54pm-
the path i've chosen ;
1:55 AM
Monday, January 15, 2007
. speechless thotz .
ok ok.. its been quite sometime since i last updated... first of all,to Kak Budd:How the hell did you get my blog url? I lost urs noe.. walao... anw, i still do remember u la... u my dearest kakak sey... how can forget...? thanks for not forgetting me... my boyfren still in there... jux got in back there... he was out for a week ar... Hospitalised... was there with him all the while when hez hospitalised... kak, hes so big in size n ure telling me u tak nampak dia? wat the hell.. u mux be kidding sak kak... anw, take care... miss ya loads...yah, as u all haf read ma msg to Kak Budd, he was hospitalised... on the 09 Jan 07.. Heart stopped, collapsed, n lungs contraction... the part of to what reali freak me out was when we (me and jack) was on our way to send him to hospital in the bus, he collapse right in front of me... i was so super panicky sak.. Jack was asleep and i couldnt move coz he collapse in my arms n his muscles all relax n he began to be very heavy..luckily my brain did not stop sak... i can still manage to think.. i tried to wake him up... calling his name, tapping his head of to where my fingers can reach... try to even move him... Finally he woke up... wah... reali scare the living daylights out of me... i asked if he was ok... he said no.. i check for his pulse but couldnt find any beats... i start to panic again.. but i told myself to calm down...the whole incident jux freaks me out... i thot i was going to lose him sak... thank god hes still alive...i stayed with him throughout... watch over him as he sleep, be with him when he having observations, even when hes eating.... the security guard so called mengalau me out of there ar... but coz he made me promise him that i will not leave his side, i ignored the security guard n the nurses... was there throughout... i kept ma promise... was there with him when hes feeling reali down... heyz, wadya expect, hes human too.. haf feelings too...the 2nd night, my family came down to visit him... they brought me my change of clothes n toiletries... Before they came, hours before that, me n him was sitting on his bed, chatting the time away... suddenly got this guy come with a basket of 'get well soon' flowers n fruits... it came from the HTA (home team academy).. the commander sent it.. hehe... it kinda did brightened up his day there... i left with my family when they went off... he told me to go home as i was aredi having high fever... he asked me go home and rest... tho i noe he dun wan me to go, i followed wat he ask me to do...the very next day, he was discharged... he went home to Kak Julie's house... chatted with him on msn... with the webcam on... cheered him up... n went to rest...he came over the next day and spent the rest of his mc days at my house... he says its his turn to take care of me wen im sick... and that he wants to take care of me like how i took care of him... and that he jux wanna be with me... hes being swit... he did took care of me n was with me all along... i lost my voice thanks to the lack of nicotine... reali lost ma voice of to i reali can't speak aredi... was tortured by being asked to drink asam water... EEEEEWWWW...!! Mon buat aku leh telan.. Umie buat aku tak leh telan sak..!! Umie make me drink the asam water she make, till my lips turn extreme pale n makes me reali going to collapse due to high dosage of salt in it...wat the hell...!! but it makes me able to talk ar... abit onie... can talk but very very soft... like squeaks... wat the hell... the 3rd time they make me drink that water... but this time little salt dosage... able to telan it all in 3 big forced gulps... now recovering slowly... got voice aredi... but abit rough ar... with all the coughing and phlegm.. it makes everything worst... but still can take it...B, i miss you sak.. hope everything is okay in there for you ever since you came back... hope to see you this weekend.... love ya.. muackz...-shasha logging out--9.19pm-15jan07-happy advance 11months anniversary to you baby.... i love you alot.. muackz.. muackz... muackz... muackz...
the path i've chosen ;
4:51 AM
Friday, January 05, 2007
. sickening flashbacks .
its sickening and heart-wrenching when you're trying to move on with life and then you get all the sickening flashbacks of life... the painful and hurting moments you went thru in your relationship... haix.. what can i say.. it happens without you wanting it to..ok ok... here goes my updated entry... On Sunday, 311206, was hari raye haji... Was at Aunty 6 (say it in malay without the 'e') house... the atmosphere was very kecoh.. the first thing my abg2 sedare said to me when they saw me was "sha, matair kau mane??" i was like huh..? btol tak btol sey dorang nie... den i answer la, "hari raye pat umah family dia la... nanti malam dia datang sini..." and they go like, "ouh.........." cibeh... weird sak dorang nie...Den on Tuesday night, i sent him off for his booking in of camp... We reached abit too early and end up waiting for the star karatz... But nevermind... they are not tat late aniwae... i went off as soon as the group gets bigger.. throughout the journey back home, flashbacks start... all of it.. from the start till recent happenings.. but the most painful and hurting ones kept appearing....like the one he 'disappear' for two and a half months.. and the bitch who try her very luck to tackle him, who now works as a bar girl... and the fight i had with him at study corner (at gombak, our slacking port) which happen at night... and the big fight at guilin which ended at 11pm.. and even the incident where it onie recently happen of to which i figured out that my sickening slutish sister has feelings for him... haix... all this shit kept on appearing.. be it im awake or asleep....i dun understand why they kept appearing... i reali dun understand.. but then it all will still be in my heart and mind till time runs out... coz without this incidences, our relationship won't be strong... coz in the relationship, you'll need ups and downs to keep it going and build it strong...now, im just waiting for him to book out of camp... i just wanna be with him... just wanna hear him talk.. just wanna be in his arms... haix... i miss him... sometimes i would just sit down and look at our pictures... for hours... at times when ma mum were to enter ma room and saw me staring at the photos, she would ask if everything between me and him are okay.. i would usually say okae... even though sometimes we're not...whatever la... its parts and parcel of life... i love him more and more... but pls sis, dun get in ma way.. or try ur luck to make him fall for you.. coz all i noe its not possible as he hates you... and i dun wanna hurt you... dun make me hate you worst than i hate poison... leave us alone... find other guys... fuck off...-shasha-0501074.42pm= awaiting new challenges ahead of time=
the path i've chosen ;
12:16 AM
