Tuesday, November 21, 2006
wat the f*ck is wrong
i duno watz got into me todae... im like super short-tempered... everything jux pissed me off.. even in scul the teacher jux gives the class a hard time... wat the fuck.. haiz...
my body ache like hell ever since the thing is out... the pain is unbearable... haiz... my frenz dun understand wat exactly i felt and how painful everything was... how hard i struggle to bear with the pain during the whole process.. all i noe i was totally weak like f*ck when the whole process is over... i can respond.. ma brain aint dead yet.. but im jux too weak to respond.. i do nod or shake ma head to answer questions asked by ma mum or him... but after drinking a cup of water, i fell asleep on his arm in ma bedroom... it was a pain to remember... a pain tat will never leave me forever... ma hatred jux grew bigger and bigger... ma rage is getting worst... umie asked me one question when everyone left the room after the process is over... this is wat she ask, "u hate them rite...?" and i nod.. i was damn f*cking weak to answer...
todae, i went to scul as per normal.. im glad to be in scul again... i wanna study... ive missed alot of lessons.. and im so *ketinggalan in all subjects.. wat the hell.. scul was okae... except that ma class advisor was being like a total irritating b*tch... so wat if she wears black..? i noe la she onie wear black if she in bad mood... but giving the stupid attitude wat for sia..?? luck enuf i can still control ma rage... if not, i think the chair in that comp lab will fly to her face sak... u think u onie haf bad mood isit..? F*ck u la... everyone does...
im like f*cking attitude wen i got home todae... Him was hurt by the way i treated him... i duno wats wrong with me but i jux blew up... i apologize to him after tat... i noe wat i did was wrong... im reali reali sorie... forgive me... i didnt meant fo everything to happen this way... i hate maself this few days... umie asked me again wen i got home todae... she asked, "u reali hate them isit...??" and this is what i answered, "yes i do, and i'll kill them personally if i see them outside..." umie jux kept quiet after that... haiz...
the pain u made me go thru... the suffering u made me face... the hurt u create in ma life... u added to ma rage by doing this stupid thing... i'll kill u personally... i reali mean it... f*ck u bitches...
haiz... please.. i somehow feel damn depressed... i dun wanna ever hurt him anymore... i never wanna hurt him anymore... haiz... stop this shit... enuf of hurt i created in his life... enuf i kill him inside... enuf i made him angry... enuf of me making him hate me... enuf shasha... enuf.. he doesnt deserve this... he reali doesnt.. F*ck la... stop hurting him sak shasha... stop...
im sorie...
211106
9.05pm
[song listening to: i live ma life for u - firehouse]
the path i've chosen ;
5:42 AM
Sunday, November 12, 2006
.the qns unanswered.
- where are you? -where are you my dear lover...? where have you gone to...?
thru out the nitez i slept thru... i owas think of you...
where have you been...? why did you leave me...? all this i
dun understand... why are you doing this...? can you tell me...?
tell me watz going on... tell me wat am i sapoze to noe...
why am i feeling so alone...? why aren't you here...? like you
said you would...
why am i so complicated...? why am i so sad...? why am i so
afraid...?why did you do this to me...? why...? why...? why...?
i feel so alone... tho you might be sitting beside me or with
me... you are just not here... your mind, your heart and your
soul are all not here... so sorie but i got to say it here and now..
you're here but you're so far away... i dun understand... you
said you would be here for me... you said you wanna spend
time together with me...
what is all that sapose to be...? empty promises again...?
why isit owas me who have to face this obstacles again...?
why isit owas me who have to face it all alone...? why...?
can you answer that for me...?? no you can't...!!!
i just hate ma life... i hate the way things are right now...
i hate my lies i said to you... i hate myself for lying to you...
i hate your empty promises... i hate all those fake hopes you
gave to me... i hate myself... hate my life... i dun wanna live
animore... dun wanna lie animore... dun wanna suffer animore
pain... dun wanna take animore medications...
im sorie i wasn't good enuf for you... im sorie i wasn't honest
with you... im sorie for lying to you... im sorie for disturbing you..
im sorie for forcing you to do things that you dun wan... im
sorie for doing things that hurt you... im sorie for hurting you...
im sorie for forcing you to adapt to ma stupid behaviour... im
sorie for everything... hope you forgive me...
i dun wan you to look for me... im jux
anotha pathetic girl-next-door... im not special... im not clever..
leave me alone... im sorie if you made a big mistake in choosing me...
tmr is the day my xray results are out... gonna take it and
leave... may things fall into place without me around...
take care my frenz... take care my loved ones...
take care monster... tho you might not noe, lemme jux tell you..
i love you alot... nothing gonna change that... you're ma first...
and you're ma last too... without you life was a disaster... i
thank you for entering ma life and made a whole lot of
difference... thanks alot... i totali appreciate it... truly... heyz...
learn to take care of yourself... stay healthy kkz... all the best
in everything... love ya.. muackz..
ps: i miss you alot... but you jux didnt care... i hope you will be
done with your busy-nez soon... take care sweetie...
to everyone, forgive me if i have made any mistakes that tends
to hurt anybody... forgive me...
5.13pm
121106
[song listening to: different]
the path i've chosen ;
1:30 AM
Thursday, November 09, 2006
.the pain.
- anotha suffering, anotha pain -
i was sapoze to go for Learning camp todae til tmr...
i aredi woke up and bath... Den i reali can't stand the
pain stinging my ribs area... i jux have to msg Ms Tay..
Asking her whether its possible that i not go for the
camp... She said she won't insist on me going.. but
instead she asked me go to see doc and get an MC...
Den i go eat breakfast and ma medications den i go to
sleep coz i wasn't sleeping before that...
was very worried abt ma guy... he passed out at his
bro's crib... i couldnt go to sleep coz ma heart dun feel
right... haiz.. but im glad that hez okae now... i reali
reali reali admire him... His care and concern for his
loved ones is soo strong and pure... soemtimes he dun
even think of his own safety and health... He would go
for that extend to help making sure that his loved ones
are safe... i reali admire him... A guy with a heart of
gold... Love him to bits...
had some laughter, peace and joy this morning, close
to noon, with him and umie... trying to forget the pain
that is reali stinging like hell... the pain is so unbearable...
went to the doc at around 4... doc gave me some
painkillers and a form... x-ray form... wth... i have to
go for x-ray tmr morning... haix... even now when im
updating this blog of mine, the pain is super extremely
unbearable... no one knows how much pain it brings...
haix... nevermind.. i can survive this... all im worried
abt is him.. whether hez okae or not... hope he is...
6.13pm
091106
[song listening to: enter sandman - metallica]
the path i've chosen ;
2:18 AM
