[...changes & past...]
yeah..!! Lets turn up the techno people...!! haha... techno time..!!

[song title: smoke machine]

haha.. i noe this sounds funny but lets turn up the volume to the techno people.. time to ease your stress and relax your mind..

lets see... today's a great day... well not so great ar.. but on average.. yeah, its okae.. i kinda sprained my back.. and the pain is like killing me.. Yesterday as i lie down in bed, i reali couldnt move my body at all.. the onie ones moving are my eyes and my thumb.. to read and reply messages.. my spine hurts like hell.. todae thot didnt wanna go scul.. but coz daya is performing, i came to show my support.. shez great.. but i decided to skip lessons coz i really cannot take the pain anymore.. im trying my best to bear with the pain.. but its jux unbearable.. even now as im sitting down to update this freaking blog of mine, im bearing with the pain.. the pain which became unbearable as every minutes past.. haix... i told fairuz yesterday i can cry sak coz it reali hurtz like hell and i reali cannot take it.. but nevermind..

something that happen jux now in the afternoon reminds me of a so called poem that i wrote down years ago.. but if it doesnt rhyme at certain times, paiseh hor.. its like way back when i wrote it.. it goes this way..






[...today's happening...]
hmmm.... i miss him.. haha.. anw, now im updating my blog while watching Danny Phantom.. haha.. cartoons awaz ease my mind... hehe.. Oh yah.. its sickening at times when you're using prepaid noe... My credit in it left like wat, 33cents...? wat the hell.. thanks to alot of people who keep on calling my fone and will keep on calling until i answer the fonecall.. wat the heck.. Yep.. haven been talking to him at night up to five days aredi... Tonight topping up my card..

My sis is like nagging at me because of my msn nick.. like wat sia..??? My msn nick is:




[...fuck life...]
im breaking up inside.. im becoming much much more fragile at heart than i was before.. things are getting worser by the minute.. what the hell is going on..? why is this happening..? what more would i be expecting to happen..? im preventing shit tat i saw tat is going to happen.. i need you by my side.. but yet, it seems like you're just too heartbroken to be here, with me..

i dun understand things that are in my hands.. i can't seem to handle it.. i tried to be there for you.. i tried to make things right.. but guess what i do for you are just shit n crap eh.. i destroy your career.. i destroy your life.. we tried to put this arguement to an end this morning.. but eventually it got bigger.. im dying aredi b.. help me make things easier.. i'll appreciate it..

my heart is bleeding.. bleeding with anger, hurt, sorrow, tears and pain.. why must i let this to happen..? why must i let this shit crash everything i have..? fuck life.. there's nothing more to live for.. thanks for everything.. i reali appreciate it..

10.51am
240806



[...morning blogging...]
hmm... lets see.. wat to blog early in the morning..

oh yah.. i talked to him yesterday... eh wait.. wrong.. this morning.. at 4am.. he jux reach home and straight away call me up.. i couldnt sleep so when he called, i answered straight away by the second beep.. his tone was damn cheerful.. i was wondering why.. so i asked la.. den he say, "i rindu u sak baby.. (translation: i miss you sey baby...) i reali miss you like hell.. (translation for proper werds: i reali miss you alot..)" i smiled la.. (geez i noe he cannot see la but bcz i jux missed him alot and to knoe tat he too, makes me lightened up..) den we continue on our conversations la.. talk on what happen during the 2 to 3 days he wasn't around with me.. den talk about other personal stuff ar.. (you dun nid to noe.. *wink*)...

i reali cannot sleep after our conversation ends.. my mind is flooded with alot of stuffs... i tried to go to sleep.. but i jux can't.. sian sia.. so i jux straight away go bath n get ready for school lah.. but im not so crazee to dress up so quickly.. i take my own sweet time la.. den i go to school... and here i am blogging. with chitra sitting beside me oso not paying attention.. (hah.. my baby so sweet..!) shez blogging too.. n msn-ing with me at the same time (when we're sitting beside each other.. eh talking make it so obvious tat we arent paying attention mah...) And the lecturer is there explaining things tat the class is not interested in.. shez talking crap sia.. wth.. dun even noe what shez teaching.. watever la..

oh yah.. i've talked to fairuz.. looks like the F Gang is having an increasing number of haters.. welcome to the club girl.. hey bitches... dun push your luck.. fuck off..

[...08.50am...]
...[230806]...



[...wtf...]
i tried to contact you yesterday.. i tried to get thru you.. but i didnt get any reply... i slept the whole day thru yesterday... but sudden awoken by my disturbed soul... woke up at midnight... message you straight away... and suddely felt hungry.. (wat the hell...? hungry in the middle of the nite..? crazee girl..)

anw... went to the kitchen to get some food to eat.. tat is after i wash my face la.. then after eating i went back to my room.. check ma fone.. no message reply from you.. at 1am i tried to message you again... waited... and waited.. still no reply.. tried again at 2am... waited... and waited.. still no reply.. tried again at 2.30am... waited.. and you replied at 3.10am.. wtf..? i message you up to six freaking times and you replied once... jux to tell me you're asleep.. seriously wat the hell..?

all throughout the night, i lay down quiet and still... thinking whether everything that i saw is gonna come true or not... i prayed tat u'll be okae.. i wanted so bad to tell you what i saw.. but it seems like you're not interested at all, for the first time.. haiz.. nevermind.. fuck it..

i couldn't sleep the entire night.. i woke up at 6am... ask my mum to go back to sleep n i go sent off my lil bro... den when i come back, i bath and do most of the housework.. when im done, i changed into my scul uni and get ready to go scul.. wen my mum wake up again to do breakfast for dad, she stare at me one kind.. coz she find it weird abt me today..

in scul...? haix.. i rather not say aniting ar.. but one note of advice...
STOP TRYING YOUR BEST TO PISS ME OFF AND GET ME TO START TAT WAR IN CLASS... I NEVER DISTURB YOUR LIFE, SO DUN DISTURB MINE.. FUCK OFF..

[song listening to: 99 ways to die]

7.26pm
220806



[...funny incident...]
been sick... geez.. again.. on friday i meet him at bishan mrt... well.. before tat went to buy something for him.. hehe.. couldn't find it in black.. so bought it in red... hehe..

sat at coffeebean and talk and oso did some research on my project... was okae when we were there... but as soon as we stood up and walk off from there to go to bugis, i start sneezing non-stop.. sheesh... sickening.. we took the train and drop off at cityhall.. and walk to bugis.. hehe.. crazee fuckers.. hehe.. we're owas like tat... love to walk to bugis instead of taking the train.. anw... can u imagine, all the while walk with him, i was like sneezing non-stop.. really sia.. it was like wtf...? it was like wat, a hot day and he asked me put on my black jacket... so i did.. well... it did help abit la.. it reduces the sneezing but still did not stop it...

we made a few stops at 7-11 and bought some munchies for the journey there.. imagine eating packed noodle while walking.. n me, while sneezing too.. wah... chialat sia... then there was one part where i was at the traffic light with him... we're holding hands lah.. as usual... hehe... then i put my face at his chest there la.. resting my head while waiting for the time to cross the road.. suddenly a sneeze came.. so suddenly.. lucky no eeky stuff came out.. haha.. he was like.. "thanks alot baby..!" i was laughing.. hehe... cute sia his face.. then after some time, we finally reach bugis...

then we go meet ma sis... then when we're at the mrt station, i was standing in front of my sis... holding her hand la.. like wat i like to do... then suddenly i sneeze into her dress.. hehe... same for her.. lucky enuf no eeky stuff came out... she was like super stunned sia.. face damn funny... i was laughing non-stop... him oso.. then he held out his hand to ma sis and say "welcome to the being-sneeze-at club..." my sis pun mcm siak.. join his crap.. i couldnt help it... was like laughing... then he go and messed up my hair.. saying "kecian bini aku nie... sakit".... (wait.. translation.. : pity my wife.. sick) yah... hehe.. and then we go home... i got home n search for my medicine..

here's the funny part... i was sneezing k.. i wanted to go to ma kitchen ar.. was about to take a step into the kitchen, suddenly a big sneeze came... and i accidentally took a gigantic step into the kitchen... imagine how far i stretched my legs open...? like wth...? hehe... ma sis was washing the dishes after eating... she laugh her ass off when she saw that... then i laugh along with her la.. its great to laugh at urself once in a while.. then i was like looking thru all the medicines in the drawer tau.. n my mouth going like "mane dia.. mane dia.." then i finally found it... i wanted to shout "yes..!" then came another huge sneeze.. imagine saying yes with the achoo behind it... my mum, dad, lil bro n sis was laughing and laughing sia.. then my sis say, "kau nie da sakit merepek plak... rabak sak..." (translation: u ar.. sick oredi.. very crappy... chialat..) i gave her a smile ar.. then eat medicine aredi... go slp... then awoken at midnite coz he called... talked for one hour together.. but after that both fell aslp on the phone while the line is still going on... sheesh.. rabak mann...

haha.. anw... im still sick... and was hoping to recover soon... tomorrow scul.. wahlao... damn it.. lazy sia wanna go scul... peace..!

3.50pm
200806



[...can't help it...]
yes fatt... can't help it.. we just miss him... alot.. but sometimes when you try to forget things, you just got to... i know its hard.. but honestly speaking, i lost not onie him at that point of time.. i lost someone whom i care alot about (at that point of time)... I can say its like i fell hard and didnt have the strength to carry myself up... i fell so low, you wouldnt wanna imagine the state im in that time... it took me quite awhile to recover from all the shock.. and finally i did... 10 months later, that is..

.150805.
the day everybody went over to have one last look at him before his burial.. alot tried so hard to hold back their tears but in the end brokedown... others just let the tears flow.. some pretend so so hard they're alright.. but all i knoe, everyone is aching deep inside..

to be honest, i live in Bedok area as you noe fatt.. and every single day when i want to go to scul, i took the train.. and sadly, i have to past kallang.. and truth is, memories do haunt me as i look at the river itself and the blk he used to live in.. day after day.. but i pull myself together.. i hold myself strong.. i just smile and pray that he'll be forgiven and that he'll rest in peace.. you should too babygirl... We all should.. pray for him if you remember about him all the time.. he'll be happy.. thatz what he told me... (after he passed away, that is)... cheer up babygirl.. he'll be happy to rest in peace if he sees people from his past pray for him and let him go... cheer up..

2.12pm
150806



[...its been a year...]
.140806.

today. its been a year ever since he went away. went away and never ever return. i miss him so. i duno how to put this. but i really miss him alot. he went away so suddenly. the sudden impact of losing him still stays as bleeding wounds in my heart. i can still remember, this date last year, i was at his house waiting for news of him.. standing at the corner of his house. Looking at his room. Looking at his devastated mum. I can't help but breakdown see-ing her tat way. it hurts me so bad.

last year, this date.. i went out to fetch my mum from werk.. but as soon as i step my feet into the house, my elder sis came running to me telling me about the news.. i didnt wanna believe her at first.. but until i saw the news on teletext, i fell silent.. suddenly my world jux fell quiet.. i kept staring at his name on the tv screen.. i finally lost him.. hez finally leaving the world.. tat was wat i thot.. why i said that.. (before i continue, to fatt, im sorie if tis made u breakdown after reading it...) he knows hez gonna die.. he knows hez leaving alot of people that love him.. he knows it 3months before the actual day happen.. i can't say more.. i saw it too.. i saw him.. but the hurtful part is that i didnt noe it would be him coz i dun wanna believe it would be him.. i remembered struggling to hold back the tears for up to 5 hours straight.. at that night itself, i go over to his house.. my heart says, its true.. hez gone..

it took me a long time to accept the fact that hez gone.. but i managed to.. it took me alot of will to hold back all the tears.. but i finally cry.. i onie managed to forget about the whole incident after 10months... but every effort i put in gone wasted as i saw parts and pieces of memoirs left behind which is afresh tonight.. it made me see what happened again.. why...? why left behind memories..? leave me alone..

haix.. i jux wanna breakdown and cry... life's not easy when you lost someone whom very close to you...





[...my updates...]
lets see.. lemme update for this past week...

080806, Tuesday
Sculz celebrating national day.. Gawd.. So damn freaking lazy to wake up as per normal.. why.. coz usually, on tuesdays ma class scheduled to start at 10am.. But today gotta be in scul at 8am for the celebration.. it was cool tho.. act3 came.. dance3.. ndp motivators.. alot more other stuff.. but the most kecoh stuff is the act3 performance and the song performed by fellow ite january intake guys.. cool performance tho.. very kecoh being the audience.. haha..

090806, Wednesday
hmm.. went down to ma aunt's place.. so fucking kecohrables sey.. had lots of conversation with ma chinese-muslim cousin.. played around with her daughter.. not forgetting nanny-ing ma babygurl... walao.. very hyper sia tat kid.. like me.. haiyo.. saw the nice firewerks...

100806, Thursday
I didnt go scul today.. sick.. sick as in not sick in the brain lah.. sick as in physically sick.. having high fever.. he sent me to the doc upon hearing i was sick... now, my OA CA2 will be scored zero.. haiyo.. coz i lost ma mc... haiz...

110806, Friday
Still never go scul today.. Temperature got higher instead of getting better.. Wan was like lecturing me for losing ma mc... i told him lah tat i rarely got sick.. so once i fell sick, i get sick damn bad... den after his 'lecture', he start the conversation on metal/gothic.. haha.. cute thing to ask boi.. really cute..

120806, Saturday
Went over to mit him for awhile.. miss him alot.. reali alot.. spend the day talking about stuffz.. and me sleeping ahwile at his sis's crib, with him by ma side, looking after me just in case i tend to throw up.. so swit of him.. love him alot.. went home at around 2pm.. reach home at around 3pm.. eat and clean up the house.. see lah.. sick sick oso haf to clean up the whole freaking house.. but nevermind, i actually enjoy cleaning tho.. haha.. mess sooo irritates me.. and now, im here updating every single blog i haf to.. geez.. lazy sia...

ma replies to taggers... :
fatt:
ur welcome girl.. lup you too..!! haha.. sorie i took so long to reply ur tag.. take care girl.. read ur blog.. poor thingy.. take care babysis..

nurulFairuz:
hmm.. lets see.. not tat i want to do it gurl.. but its like wat u did actually pissed me off.. ALOT... when you're having crisis, i was there for ya.. but when its settled..? u actually so called 'push me aside' just like that.. watz that sapoze to mean gurl..? a way of saying thanks..? well, u got the wrong way of saying it gurl.. really.. dun piss me off.. i dun wanna blow ma top off.. since u want me to explain to u nicely... i will.. mit me on monday.. i'll EXPLAIN it to u.. pardon ma language ar.. its the way i talk if im pissed..

point to note... :
im a bad kid, i admit.. but i still do forgive.. but will take qquuiittee sometime to forget.. dun forget.. im a very hot-tempered chic.. understand that..

mizfire signing off...
06.40pm
120806



[...not in the mood...]
fuck. early morning. so damn not in the mood. something happen early this morning.. nothing to explain here for you read..

watz so wrong about it..? watz so wrong about being angry..? Dun haf to look at me one kind rite bitch. Fuck you lah.. Dun pissed me off more.. Im so not in the mood for war.. Dun make me start it..

fuck lah. feel like punching something aredi...

040806
8.33am



[..my thotz..]
hmmm... lets see... im getting very irrtated at some people... its not that i want to.. but they made me to... Plus im getting more and more hot-tempered when my super fast mood swing occur... some of my friends saw it already... Lemme name you some... ma 2nd giler partner, wan, zura, dayah adn zulaiha... im not sure if sheila ever saw it before tho...

These four peeps saw my super fast mood swings happen right before their eyes... its actually not visible but guess these four are fast enough to notice it... cool... To be frank, these four peeps onie saw the so called 'sneak preview' of the start up fire that is about to grow bigger...

I was told the other day that some 'new' peeps came over to read ma blog... ma reply is simple... Let them be... Read all the want.. If they happen to read anything that actually offend them, then all i can say is, too bad lah... Its ma blog.. i write what i want to write.. Dun like it..? Den fuck off.. Dun bother reading it.. Wanna gossip about it..? Go ahead... Just make sure those gossips dun get to my hearings.. coz once it does, all i gotta say is, 'get ready'...

Those who knoe me inside out would noe how i behave and how i react to situations... Recently the list just got longer.. One more name has been included.. What a stupid thing to do girl.. A very stupid move... Run while you still can.. Get out and run... Run as fast as you can when you see me... Dun even lemme have that slightest chance to even stand behind you... better as hell run kid.. see me..? Run. Dun lemme see you.. Get outta my sight.. Get outta my face.. Dun lemme catch a grip on you.. coz once i do, i'll sure rain hell for you and you onie.. Run. Bitch. Run.

To those who have yet to knoe me, i'll suggest you dun step on my tail... or even thinking of tripping my wire.. I can be very friendly and i can be a very violent chick.. Im satan's lover.. [wait... changing of mood...(this may take a few seconds...) done...!] Im a nice girl.. Just dun trip my wire k..? Thankiew..

ey bitch... (bitchy . irritating ignorant . tramp . cheap . hell lot of lies .) you kept testing the still water in front of you.. what a stupid thing to do.. You're playingaround with fire.. People say, you play with fire, you get burn.. Right now, im the fire.. In fact.. i AM the fire.. what i can suggest now is that you get your freaking face outta my sight.. Dun even lemme see you.. Fuck off.. You better fuck off..

Im a bad kid.. Yes i am.. But.. I still noe how to treasure relationships and friendships.. I still noe how to take care of feelings, mind and heart.. Unlike you.. You're the good kid huh..? Well, lemme tell you this.. You thought wrong.. A good kid doesnt mess aroung with matters of the heart.. A good kid doesnt toy around with other guy's feelings... call yourself a good kid..? (sigh.. shakes head slowly..) kiss the floor asshole.. All you noe is toy around.. being a big flirt.. That is what you call a good kid..? Fuck you asshole.. I wrote this because i saw it happening... Not onie these pair of eyes of mine.. there's alot out there who saw it too.. so... fuck off. Bitch.

I write what i want to express out.. I write what i am thinking.. Like i say, if you dun like it, you're welcome to fuck off from here.. its ma blog.. i write what i want to.. ey bitch.. remember, im not done with you.. keep that in your fucking brain.. A very wise person taught me this line and it goes specially for you..
"There's no i in slut, onie u.." Take care bitch. Take care slut. Take care my dearies.. Take care peeps..

Queen of darkFlames signing off..
Muacks (to my 4 peeps.. hehe..)

[..9.18pm..]
..[010806]..