# think again mr #
You always sing for me the song unfaithful, rihanna feat royalty. Telling me i was unfaithful. But didnt it struck you that i was just doing what you're doing? You're unfaithful thats why i'm unfaithful.. I'm done being the faithful one and keeping shut about this shit.. So i did what you did to me, so you taste your own medicine when i shove it down your throat.. How was the feeling? Good? Fucked up right? I told you before, treat me nice, i treat you nice. Play me out, your ass in on fire.. Right now i don't want your body, i don't want anything to do with you.. I don't even want you. So you can jolly well fuck off and leave my bloody life alone.. This big girl had enough of your nonsense.



# Me - You = Me :) #
Bits and pieces of my broken life is slowly gluing back together.. Its been months since you walked out the door.. Its been months since you couldn't care less about home.. I'm so over you.. I'm so done crying over you.. Thank you for leaving me alone..

But by doing this you think its gonna bring me down? No. Its making me so much stronger than ever.. I thot i could never hate you, but i was wrong. Right now i am hating you for all the shit you do to me and all the lies you told me.. Please.. You can keep all the bullshit to yourself.. I'm so done and over it.. Goodbye.. :)



# Me + You #
Bits and pieces of my broken life is slowly gluing back together.. Its been months since you walked out the door.. Its been months since you couldn't care less about home.. I'm so over you.. I'm so done crying over you.. Thank you for leaving me alone..

But by doing this you think its gonna bring me down? No. Its making me so much stronger than ever.. I thot i could never hate you, but i was wrong. Right now i am hating you for all the shit you do to me and all the lies you told me.. Please.. You can keep all the bullshit to yourself.. I'm so done and over it.. Goodbye.. :)



# Special Day #
Happy 21st Birthday Shahidah. :)
29/05/2010, Saturday

Yes. I turned 21 today. I wasn't expecting anything but just another ordinary day. But before i knew it, Angela Baby wished me happy birthday before she left the outlet for home. Then at midnight, Iraah Baby texted me up wishing me birthday. Then, followed by Zech Sayang's birthday wish and birthday hug. And So on.....

After closing, they made me have the Waterfall, done by Andrew Khoo. Then they bring out the birthday cake bought by Veronica. After that was Kumar's drink which i duno what the fuck he gave me but all i know it was sambuca...

After that, Veronica, Dave Cai, Zech Sayang and Me went to Cineleisure to watch the late night movie, Prince of Persia.. Did alot of nonsense in the theatre itself.. Till i told Veron if they kick someone out, i'll be the first to be kicked out coz i'm laughing so loud... Veron hold Zech Sayang's hands. And Dave Cai grab onto mine.. Which i felt weird... haha... Then i beg Veron to switch place with me so i can seat with Sayang.. And we did.. haha.. Watch the movie... Had some laughter..

After the movie, Veron went home via cab... While me, Dave Cai and Zech wander to Orchard towers, where we met Max and Lingling.. Then we head down to MacD so Dave could have his breakfast.. Start to talk rubbish.. From one topic to another.. Non stop.. Shifted from the Non smoking section to the Smoking section.. Left MacD at around 9 plus.. Dave took the train back home while me and zech sayang walked over to cityhall so i could drop by my fav shop at penin..

Took a bus ride home and he sent me all the way to my void deck... Then he went home.. i had alot of fun throughout the night.. The surprises which i didnt expected.. Checked my facebook, saw my wall flooded with birthday wishes.. i broke down.. i was moved and touched by all this.. really.. all this while... this year is so much different...

To my Late Uncle who passed away today on my birthday, i pray that God will forgive all your sins and place you together with the good people in heaven.. May you're happy there Uncle. I Love You.
Al-Fatehah.

All in all, this 21st birthday was somehow different from the 20 years of birthday, but also somehow it was the same... This year, i wonder, what is life gonna bring me next coming year..

:)

Smaragdos C.A




This always happens. Always always happens. Within the period coming my birthday, sure as hell something bad will happen. Why? Why God Why? Why must you test me out this way? Coming 21 years of my life, it has been miserable everytime it comes to nearing my birthday. Every single year, without fail. Why why why why why why why?????

Tolong Lah Tuhan, Aku Dah Tak Kuat Nak Menempuhi Dugaan Yang Berat Kau Sering Bagi Kat Aku. Berhentikan Lah. Aku Mohon.



# Killed #
04 May 2010
You left me. Out of anger. You left me. You promised never to leave me. But why now?
Baby i love you alot. I sayangkan you sak. So much than i love anything else. You're someone i look up to, you're the onie one i call my husband, you're the only one at heart, you're the only one who the whole world knows i'm in love with.

Baby Pls. Don't Do This To Me. I Beg Of You Uh.

Come back sayang. i love you alot. Come back please. I know its fully my own mistake. But i apologised. Baby please. You don't love me anymore isit? You don't love akid anymore isit? Why must you leave me once more?

I rather DIE than continue life without you.
I'm Sorry.
:'(








# Live Dedication #
I know things hasn't gone right for the past few weeks or so. I'm trying to make it right for you. But it seems that whatever i say is wrong to you. But its okay. I'm used to it. Everybody does that to me. :)

Right here, right now, i would like to make and open dedication to my beloved hubbie, Monster Lee. Baby sayang, i'm sorry if i'm not sucha good wifey. i tried my very best. but it just seems that i'm not good enough for you. Each passing minute i loved you more and more. Each second that is gone i longed for you to be here with me. But i know i can't have that. Will never be able to have that. But its ok. i'm still smiling.

To know that i've broken so many hearts. Shattered so many dreams. Hurt so many people including you. i know its time to stop doing so. I tried to make it right again. but it seems that its of no use.

Forget about all that. Now i would like to wish you a happy birthday sayang. may all your dreams and wishes come true. muackz. i love you.

#Smaragdos Calendula#
#i'm sorry for hurting too much#



# Bear in Mind #
Keep This In Your Head Kay.
I WILL Leave This House One Fine Day.
I WILL Bring Akid Along With Me.
Don't Like Me Around. Say It.
I Can Jolly Well Fuck Off.
Don't Have To Show Your Temper And Your Fucked Up Attitude.
I Don't Need Your Tantrums.
I Don't Need To See Your Fucked Up Face.
I Don't Need A Fucked Up Person To Babysit My SON.
Thanks A Million.
I'll Be Out Of There Before You Even Know It.
Cheerious.

#Smaragdos Calendula#
#Be Going To Stay On My Own Two Feet With AkidLove & Hubby#



# Forever After #
Monster & Shahidah : 160206
Monster & Shahidah & Akid : 070308

BabyLove, I love you alot. I'm sorry for being so hurtful sometimes. I know you're trying your best to make it up. I know you're working your fingers to your bones to save up the money to take me and Akid away. To live together as a happy family. I understand. We promised forever after. And we're not gonna let anybody stand in our way. We are gonna be together.

Each passing second, i love you more and more. Each passing minute i want you more and more in my life. I know of your past mistakes. But i've forgiven you for that. And i hope everybody else too.

I can't live my life without you. I need you. Akid need you too. And you promised us that you'll be back with us soon. And i'm putting in faith in that.

We've let go of each other before. But it just proves that we can't live without each other. People say if you love the person dearly, you gotta let go. if he/she comes back, means you are meant to be. And i know we ARE meant to be together. Even if the world is against us. I don't care. I know you've changed. And i thanked god for that. Let us work together for our future. Just the 3 of us.

Love you loads.
Muackz.



# Update #
This is really really shitty. When you told me you'll msg me later, i expect a msg from you. But Noooo... The whole fucking night was waiting for your text to come in.. But none did...

Woke up in the morning to check my fone.. but to disappointment, no text msgs at all... How long do you expect me to wait..? 3 or 4 months for a stupid text msg from you?

When i blow up, you say i'm always angry at you.. I'm always fucking you up.. but you never think k.. Its your mistake.. You say you'll msg.. but you didnt.. and you'll give excuses like you're too tired to check your fone lah.. straight sleep lah.. macam macam...

Its harder and harder to trust your werds these days.. You say you're gonna take me and Akid away.. but you've been saying that.. but no actions.. You say you won't do it again.. you will reply all my msgs.. But No..... You didnt.. WTF seriously...

I'm fucking disappointed + fucking mad + fucking stress + fucking frustrated + fucking upset = want to blow up...

Really really... You said you've changed.. But how come i find it so fucking hard to believe some of the words you said? The more pics of you i saw in the Net.. the more pissed off i become... Please uh baby...

Stop the bloody nonsense..
Really...