Shasha's journey

# think again mr #

2010-07-08T00:53:00.003-07:00

You always sing for me the song unfaithful, rihanna feat royalty. Telling me i was unfaithful. But didnt it struck you that i was just doing what you're doing? You're unfaithful thats why i'm unfaithful.. I'm done being the faithful one and keeping shut about this shit.. So i did what you did to me, so you taste your own medicine when i shove it down your throat.. How was the feeling? Good? Fucked up right? I told you before, treat me nice, i treat you nice. Play me out, your ass in on fire.. Right now i don't want your body, i don't want anything to do with you.. I don't even want you. So you can jolly well fuck off and leave my bloody life alone.. This big girl had enough of your nonsense.

# Me - You = Me :) #

2010-07-08T00:42:00.001-07:00

Bits and pieces of my broken life is slowly gluing back together.. Its been months since you walked out the door.. Its been months since you couldn't care less about home.. I'm so over you.. I'm so done crying over you.. Thank you for leaving me alone..

But by doing this you think its gonna bring me down? No. Its making me so much stronger than ever.. I thot i could never hate you, but i was wrong. Right now i am hating you for all the shit you do to me and all the lies you told me.. Please.. You can keep all the bullshit to yourself.. I'm so done and over it.. Goodbye.. :)

# Me + You #

2010-07-08T00:40:00.003-07:00

# Special Day #

2010-05-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

Happy 21st Birthday Shahidah. :)
29/05/2010, Saturday

Yes. I turned 21 today. I wasn't expecting anything but just another ordinary day. But before i knew it, Angela Baby wished me happy birthday before she left the outlet for home. Then at midnight, Iraah Baby texted me up wishing me birthday. Then, followed by Zech Sayang's birthday wish and birthday hug. And So on.....

After closing, they made me have the Waterfall, done by Andrew Khoo. Then they bring out the birthday cake bought by Veronica. After that was Kumar's drink which i duno what the fuck he gave me but all i know it was sambuca...

After that, Veronica, Dave Cai, Zech Sayang and Me went to Cineleisure to watch the late night movie, Prince of Persia.. Did alot of nonsense in the theatre itself.. Till i told Veron if they kick someone out, i'll be the first to be kicked out coz i'm laughing so loud... Veron hold Zech Sayang's hands. And Dave Cai grab onto mine.. Which i felt weird... haha... Then i beg Veron to switch place with me so i can seat with Sayang.. And we did.. haha.. Watch the movie... Had some laughter..

After the movie, Veron went home via cab... While me, Dave Cai and Zech wander to Orchard towers, where we met Max and Lingling.. Then we head down to MacD so Dave could have his breakfast.. Start to talk rubbish.. From one topic to another.. Non stop.. Shifted from the Non smoking section to the Smoking section.. Left MacD at around 9 plus.. Dave took the train back home while me and zech sayang walked over to cityhall so i could drop by my fav shop at penin..

Took a bus ride home and he sent me all the way to my void deck... Then he went home.. i had alot of fun throughout the night.. The surprises which i didnt expected.. Checked my facebook, saw my wall flooded with birthday wishes.. i broke down.. i was moved and touched by all this.. really.. all this while... this year is so much different...

To my Late Uncle who passed away today on my birthday, i pray that God will forgive all your sins and place you together with the good people in heaven.. May you're happy there Uncle. I Love You.
Al-Fatehah.

All in all, this 21st birthday was somehow different from the 20 years of birthday, but also somehow it was the same... This year, i wonder, what is life gonna bring me next coming year..

:)

Smaragdos C.A

2010-05-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

This always happens. Always always happens. Within the period coming my birthday, sure as hell something bad will happen. Why? Why God Why? Why must you test me out this way? Coming 21 years of my life, it has been miserable everytime it comes to nearing my birthday. Every single year, without fail. Why why why why why why why?????

Tolong Lah Tuhan, Aku Dah Tak Kuat Nak Menempuhi Dugaan Yang Berat Kau Sering Bagi Kat Aku. Berhentikan Lah. Aku Mohon.

# Killed #

2010-05-05T00:42:00.000-07:00

04 May 2010
You left me. Out of anger. You left me. You promised never to leave me. But why now?
Baby i love you alot. I sayangkan you sak. So much than i love anything else. You're someone i look up to, you're the onie one i call my husband, you're the only one at heart, you're the only one who the whole world knows i'm in love with.

Baby Pls. Don't Do This To Me. I Beg Of You Uh.

Come back sayang. i love you alot. Come back please. I know its fully my own mistake. But i apologised. Baby please. You don't love me anymore isit? You don't love akid anymore isit? Why must you leave me once more?

I rather DIE than continue life without you.
I'm Sorry.
:'(

2010-04-26T01:38:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUBBIE LOVE
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TOO
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

# Live Dedication #

2010-04-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

I know things hasn't gone right for the past few weeks or so. I'm trying to make it right for you. But it seems that whatever i say is wrong to you. But its okay. I'm used to it. Everybody does that to me. :)

Right here, right now, i would like to make and open dedication to my beloved hubbie, Monster Lee. Baby sayang, i'm sorry if i'm not sucha good wifey. i tried my very best. but it just seems that i'm not good enough for you. Each passing minute i loved you more and more. Each second that is gone i longed for you to be here with me. But i know i can't have that. Will never be able to have that. But its ok. i'm still smiling.

To know that i've broken so many hearts. Shattered so many dreams. Hurt so many people including you. i know its time to stop doing so. I tried to make it right again. but it seems that its of no use.

Forget about all that. Now i would like to wish you a happy birthday sayang. may all your dreams and wishes come true. muackz. i love you.

#Smaragdos Calendula#
#i'm sorry for hurting too much#

# Bear in Mind #

2010-04-21T23:48:00.000-07:00

Keep This In Your Head Kay.
I WILL Leave This House One Fine Day.
I WILL Bring Akid Along With Me.
Don't Like Me Around. Say It.
I Can Jolly Well Fuck Off.
Don't Have To Show Your Temper And Your Fucked Up Attitude.
I Don't Need Your Tantrums.
I Don't Need To See Your Fucked Up Face.
I Don't Need A Fucked Up Person To Babysit My SON.
Thanks A Million.
I'll Be Out Of There Before You Even Know It.
Cheerious.

#Smaragdos Calendula#
#Be Going To Stay On My Own Two Feet With AkidLove & Hubby#

# Forever After #

2010-04-20T05:30:00.000-07:00

Monster & Shahidah : 160206
Monster & Shahidah & Akid : 070308

BabyLove, I love you alot. I'm sorry for being so hurtful sometimes. I know you're trying your best to make it up. I know you're working your fingers to your bones to save up the money to take me and Akid away. To live together as a happy family. I understand. We promised forever after. And we're not gonna let anybody stand in our way. We are gonna be together.

Each passing second, i love you more and more. Each passing minute i want you more and more in my life. I know of your past mistakes. But i've forgiven you for that. And i hope everybody else too.

I can't live my life without you. I need you. Akid need you too. And you promised us that you'll be back with us soon. And i'm putting in faith in that.

We've let go of each other before. But it just proves that we can't live without each other. People say if you love the person dearly, you gotta let go. if he/she comes back, means you are meant to be. And i know we ARE meant to be together. Even if the world is against us. I don't care. I know you've changed. And i thanked god for that. Let us work together for our future. Just the 3 of us.

Love you loads.
Muackz.

# Update #

2010-04-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

This is really really shitty. When you told me you'll msg me later, i expect a msg from you. But Noooo... The whole fucking night was waiting for your text to come in.. But none did...

Woke up in the morning to check my fone.. but to disappointment, no text msgs at all... How long do you expect me to wait..? 3 or 4 months for a stupid text msg from you?

When i blow up, you say i'm always angry at you.. I'm always fucking you up.. but you never think k.. Its your mistake.. You say you'll msg.. but you didnt.. and you'll give excuses like you're too tired to check your fone lah.. straight sleep lah.. macam macam...

Its harder and harder to trust your werds these days.. You say you're gonna take me and Akid away.. but you've been saying that.. but no actions.. You say you won't do it again.. you will reply all my msgs.. But No..... You didnt.. WTF seriously...

I'm fucking disappointed + fucking mad + fucking stress + fucking frustrated + fucking upset = want to blow up...

Really really... You said you've changed.. But how come i find it so fucking hard to believe some of the words you said? The more pics of you i saw in the Net.. the more pissed off i become... Please uh baby...

Stop the bloody nonsense..
Really...

# Dusty Blog #

2010-04-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since i last updated this blog of mine.. Finally managed to log in here.. After so long trying to get the password.. Very dusty blog.. very dusty indeed..

In So much pain right now. Holding back all the agony.. Trying to keep it all inside.. Ignore the pain.. But its so damn hard.. I need to get it out of my system in order for me to be working as per normal again.. haiz.. Its making my worklife at stake..

Baby Love is so busy working currently.. Will only see him next week again.. Some more next week he reservist.. walaowey.. sianz.. Plus the more i think about him going overseas, the more i miss him loads.. the more i cannot live without him.. haiz..

AkidSachok is getting bigger by the moment.. Smart and GoodLooking.. Very outspoken.. Each and every single day i prayed to god to allow us three to be together as a happy family.. i can't wait for the day to come..

Will update again later..

#Smaragdos Calendula#
#Forever i'm in love with you#

what more...

2009-08-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

what more can i say to this lovelife?
i can't say much.
bt all i can say is that IMY baby.
u text me up that night brings so muh joy to my heart.
but wen i text u back, i got no reply.

what more can i say.
if you aredi found someone new.
congratz is all i can say.
may u lead a happy life is all i can wish.
heartache is all i feel.

to see you happy brings joy to me.
to feel ur pain bring death to me.
to taste u again, will be impossible for me.
to hold u again is just another dream.

IMY DAMN MUCH. MIT ME WILL YOU?
<3

<3 IMY MUCH

2009-07-02T04:29:00.000-07:00

Is our love a fantasy lie?
Something which will never have a 'happily ever after' ending?

i can't say much. i miss the great old times. the you. the me. the us. the great memoirs. the fun laughters we had. the smiles. the warmth hugs. the loving whispers of iloveyous into ears. the lustic kisses. the warmness of our soul.

baby i miss you. you've been hospitalised for a week. i all so goddamn worried about you and your whereabouts. you refused to take my calls nor reply my endless messages. why baby? i miss you damn much. please. stop all this nonsense already.

"Maaf kan aku jika ia harus begini. Cinta tak selalu nya indah."

ps, IMY ALOT. GET WELL SOON. ='(

- as of now -

2009-02-23T23:31:00.000-08:00

alot of things have been going on lately.. like tonnes of things happen during just a short period of time.. wanna explain everything oso i feel lazy to do it coz it'll affect my mood...

things between me n him, are getting better... both of us are focusing on us and our baby boi... and we focus on career too.. we still do fight la.. but not as often as we used to.. we both felt the same way.. just like we both fall in love with each other.. its speechless la..

anw bloggers, sorie for not updating for quite a long time... been busy with stuffs and all... so yah... paiseh abt that...

next month, baby love is turning one year.. how time flies.. he's getting so big and smart.. haha.. anw, im thinking of a bdae bash for him.. will confirm and let u invited guests noe k...

he's getting extremely naughty btw... his godmamas... pls take note of that k...

next mth, mummy is calling out to all his GOD-mama(s) out for a picnic at EC... pls lemme noe ur free days... so i can reconfirm everything...

thankiew...

lotsa love,
smaragdos calendula

- haix-

2009-02-15T06:50:00.000-08:00

HAIX. IM GOING THRU TONNES OF SHIT NOW.
FEELING SUPER SUPER SUPER STRESS OUT.
GOD HELP ME OUT.
EASE THE PAIN IN ME.
CALM MA MIND. CALM MY BODY N SOUL.
HAIX.
='(

- updates -

2009-01-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

happy new year to all... hope this will be a brand new start for all beautiful souls..

eve of new year, was with M* kids down at marina, tjg rhu side to watch the fireworks.. had a great time.. den ride down to bedok to slack til early morning..

fri, 02/01/09, accompanied hanz to collect his paycheque.. went down to high street plaza.. den went to meet rock n amir.. to go to auntie shop to do motorbike stickers..

9-11/01/09, layankan 3 different ppl doing the exact same thing.. if u ask wat i did this weekend, i'll say this, "went karaoke for 3 days straight. amacam?"

sat, 10/01/09, went riding.. keep in mind, 2 bikes, 1 pillion (tatz me).. went to OCH, den ride ard changi disturb bapokz.. den park at the side of the road, sit down at NADERAH kopitiam, n drink 3 gls of coffees.. amacam.. talk all night long, till its ard noon, decided to go home.. pit stop at kedai minyak, went toilet.. otw out, a car honk at us.. its R. so, want or not, we u-turn all the way back to naderah n sit for anotha 3 hrs.. den went somewhere else...

12/01/09, enrolled at bbdc.. one step done.. now its time to focus.. my goal is by 3 months, i shud pass my license aredi.. and latest by my bdae, i should get my bike aredi.. hope tak sangkut..

13/01/09, went to pasir ris with akid... taunt overnight there.. had a whole lot of laughter thanks to akid... he's my sunshine... i love him alot...

14/01/09, going out with the M* boys... can't waith for this sat.. we're going riding again.. its explore time...

take care ppl.. i love u all..
muackz..

regards,
smaragdos calendula

-look behind my smiles-

2008-12-20T23:22:00.000-08:00

haix...

why are you doing this...?

why is this so hurting inside...?

there's nothing but total silence now...

where are you...?

do you know i'm worried about you...?

do you know i'm missing you badly...?

you see me smile...

but do you think i'm really happy...?

look behind my smile...

look into my eyes...

you'll see me crying...

neverending flowing of tears...

watch me smile my sorrows...

is this a farewell from you baby...?

the last words was "bye baby.."

i didnt know that will be the last i see you after i head off work...

baby... come back pls...

my life just feels so empty without you...

nobody can understand me as well as you...

this is not goodbye...

its just a nightmare i have yet to wake up from...

pls... come back...

im missing you... so is he...

smaragdos calendula A.
211208

'every night i cry myself to sleep. why baby you doing this?'

p/s, i love you.

- kiss me gently -

2008-12-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

i'm at loss of words... i'm so confused...
You're so fabulous in my eyes...
You're so good to me...
You understand me so well that not anyone can really understand me like how you do...
You know whats best for me and whats not...
You know my best points and my weak points...
You always bring me up when i'm down...
You always cheered me on when i'm at the edge of giving up...
You always encourage me to look on the bright side...
I remember it clearly....
The day you slipped away from me....
I can never heal my heart anymore...
i keep asking why...
I keep asking god why...
I keep wanting you back...
The last we did was to kiss the time away...
with you hugging me tight...
not wanting to let go...
Singing to me...
With words so hurting...
It kills me inside...
With a smile on your face..
And tears in your eyes...
You tried to remain calm...
But i can tell you're killed inside...
Killed along with me...
As we hug each other in tears...
I dun wanna be apart from you...
From that moment...
how i wished that time will just stop and let us be together...
i can't do this baby... i really can't...
baby i'm really really sorry...
i didnt ask for all this to happen...
We were made for each other...
To be together forever...
Nobody can replace you in my heart, my mind and my soul...
Ever...

p/s, i love you...

Smaragdos calendula A.
181208

"thank you for loving me.. i'm sorry i couldn't see.." the words that you sang to me... n the more tears fell when i heard that... dun say goodbye now... we promised eternity baby...

=(

- im shag -

2008-10-30T01:47:00.000-07:00

haix.. things haf been beautiful lately.. been happy with baby.. happy with razor.. happy with baby love..

but yesterday, i visited razor at SGH ICU.. my heart breaks to see him lie there with tears flowing down his cheeks.. tears of agony.. i kept asking baby whether he's gonna be okae.. baby kept reassuring me that he's a strong dude.. he's gonna be okae... i almost break down at the thought of losing my brother... if there's 3 people i cherish the most in my life now is Monster Lee, Akid Jnr and Razor ramone..

oh god, don't test him out this way anymore.. i can't bear to see him being tested out this way..

haix..

8 months from now, road trip to KL with baby, razor and some baby's friends.. nervous but excited.. coz we made a really good deal.. baby, i will owas be there for you.. no matter what happens.. no worries k... i love you..
muackz..

5 months from now, baby love turn a year old.. i thought of making it a bash on his first bdae.. and bring him out for a trip shopping with me and his daddy... hope everything goes as plan..

cheers...
smaragdos calendula A.

picture perfect

2008-09-16T05:46:00.000-07:00

next up, slideshow of baby love, akid junior..

enjoy yeah..

tash, here are ur godbaby pics...

the wedding day

2008-09-16T04:52:00.000-07:00

30th August 2008
Kak Lyd's & Luqman's Wedding day
officially grand la...

take a look at the slideshow..
this is for you sis..

muackz..
love,
shahidah

- leaving -

2008-09-14T05:56:00.000-07:00

Every girl dreams that one day she will find a guy that does these things for her. even the smallest action can have the BIGGEST impact in someones life.
like someone did.... once... not animore... haix...

• give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in.
• leave her cute text notes.
• kiss her in front of your friends.
• tell her she looks beautiful.
• look into her eyes when you talk to her.
• let her mess with your hair.
• touch her hair.
• just walk around with her.
• FORGIVE her for her MISTAKES.
• look at her like she's the only girl you see.
• tickle her even when she says stop.
• hold her hand when you're around your friends.
• be the one to take her hand, don't make her reach for you
• be the one to call her, don't make her always call you
• when she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her.
• let her fall asleep in your arms.
• get her mad, then kiss her.
• stay up all night with her when she's sick.
• watch her favorite movie with her.
• kiss her forehead.
• give her the world.
• write her letters.
• let her wear your clothes.
• when she's sad, hang out with her.
• let her know she's important.
• let her take all the photos she wants of you.
• kiss her in the pouring rain.
• when you fall in love with her, tell her.
• ~~and when you tell her, love her like you've never loved someone before.~~

not animore.. none of that happen animore.. he dun love me lile he used too... he love her more.. he doesnt care animore...

hey girl, i give in.. u win.. u can have him... u're better than every girl he's searching for.. congrats tho.. u manage to kill me inside by doing this to me... cheers aite..

living in a broken heart,
shidah.

- i wish -

2008-09-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

i wish i could stop the time. just to be with you once more. just to spent time like how we used to last time when we first fall in love. for the first time after 2years have gone by, we went out dating again. it felt so much like when we first met.

laughters. tears. smiles. jokes. all are flashed back down the memory lane. the song we heard in LJS cityhall, i live my life for you', it brings tears to my eyes. it reminds me of alot of things that we went through these past coming 3yrs.

i love every bit of you. i love you. God, pls hear me out. I love him alot. I wanna lead a happy life with him and akid as pne family. Pls. answer my prayers. im not longer strong to go through your tests.

signing out.
shasha.

ps. i love you.
there's so much of the precious moments i missed. one of them is you.

= ahh... off day =

2008-08-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

yesterday was damn slammed for us.. coz apparently, two of our floor staff was on mc.. ON A WEDNESDAY!! so that leaves me, cioti and mummy beatrice.. 3 of us left stranded.. so what we did is that each took one station since there are three stations in total.. i took station three.. mummy beatrice took station two, where all the VIPs sit.. cioti took station one, where people sit to watch the live band..

haix... it was pretty slammed lah.. we didnt even had our break.. well at least cioti did.. dave brown helped out here and there on the floor.. but not much help anyway.. but i appreciate him running the food for us.. thanks darl..!!

by the time we all cashed out aredi and ready to go to the waiting area for our transport, we went to mac first to grab something to munch.. was freaking starving la..

happen so me and shaun (barman) took the east side transport together.. so when we got into the van, we were shocked and delighted to see only four people.. so first stop, sims drive.. second stop, geylang lorong 26.. next stop, bedok north street one, where i live.. and final stop to drive shaun home, lorong ah su.. or however they spell it...

got home, lie down, and gone... slept till ard 9.30am... then kid kip on waking me up asking me to play with him.. i was still freaking tired la.. but still, i woke up and play with him.. kid is not feeling too well actually.. he caught my younger bro's flu.. so now, he's down with running nose.. but thank god, he's not having fever.. but funny tho, he's sick but is extremely active than usual.. he's jumping like a lil monkey.. heh.. whatever it is, i still love him.. muackz..

i miss him.. babe, when can i see you again?

- here to confess -

2008-07-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

ntg to say.
im just overjoyed.

haix..

2008-07-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

i wonder why things are this way. Everyday that passed by just seem to go slowly.. Everynight i think to myself.. I ask myself why i let things be this way.. Why didnt i do something about it.. I keep asking myself why.. But i just can't find the answer why..

People keep asking why i still keep my feelings for him.. Why i still keep my deepest love and trust for him.. Why i still put high hopes on trying to get back together when he obviously doesn't want to.. Why i still case about him and his welfare..

Everytime people asked me that i can't seem to have my answers ready to shoot them back right in their face. I eventually turn blank.. I don't know why.. Haix...

I still love him. And yes i still put hopes on going back with him together.. But all i know he doesn't want to.. He already found someone to dote on and love.. Someone who is ten times much better than me.. In every angle.. Haix.. I don't know la..

Every night i cry myself to sleep.. I keep asking why.. I keep punching myself.. I keep hurting myself.. But i just can't feel anything.. I just feel numb.. I lost myself.. I really have.. I don't even know what to do anymore.. I'm fucking lost.. Ever since that day.. I turn into a walking dead person.. Everyone always caught me always in a daze.. I just can't do anything right anymore..

Baby, i would do anything to get us back together.. Even if it takes my life away.. I just want you back.. I want us back.. Like before.. Those happy times.. No matter what, i still love you.. Deep in my heart i know that we still can have a second chance to be together.. And i have faith in it.. Take care..

And oh anonymous, why not YOU fuck off MY life.. What i feel don't fucking disturb your life.. So.. BUG OFF MY LIFE AND STAY FUCKING AWAY FROM ME BITCH!

Ciao everyone.. Goodnight. Take care...

truth is...

2008-07-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

truth is...
I still care..
I still miss u alot..
I still think of u every sec that passed by..
I still wonder about u..
I still look thru our picture perfect moments..
I still write my thots out..
I still went thru our memories countless times in my head..
I still dream of u..
I still wana be with u..
I still wana go bck to be with u..
I still wished that i didnt fucking stupidly call it off..
I still wished that i could turn bck time..
I still wished that i could make things right..
And of all, i still love u alot like the way i've owaz did..

Baby, i miss u. I nid u. I love u.

I want u bck.. ='(

= werds from the heart =

2008-07-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

i dun understand why someone try so hard to impress one another esp if you know i'm not up for anotha relationship. apart from wanting to be with him.

he don't bring me roses anymore, he don't. But somehow, what impresses me the most, of how he show his umpteen sincereness. He knows me well, through the language of silence. He knows when I'm alright, and he knows me when I'm not. Even when so many times, I turned my back on him, he don't give up on me that easily although he said he had.

Strange it may seem, of how we fought so much and ended up piercing our hearts...he still be there for me. And for that, a million and million of roses can never compare to how sincere he is. But he does know that i love roses.

A man can give you a dozen roses, and confessed with those three words. But woman always questioned their hearts, because woman hardly feel secure. And they start asking about their sincereness.

He, could make me smile even with the most stupidest lamest things he does. With his favorite word; "cuuuuuttttttteeeeeee", I really miss listening to that if he's away. What more to the sacrifices he made. He, always worry alot about me. Till when he hears no news about me, he started to shiver. He, always make sure I get my dinner at his place or somewhere else before I head back home. He, smells so good even when he don't take his bath. Random. He, is always strong inside because deep down I know of how he was suffering and how hurt he have been, he doesn't give up.

I don't know why he still loves spending scary time alone at night. Maybe its just his nature being. He, who even shed tears for me. He doesn't wanna lose me because he'd knew I could never make it on my own. Unlike other guys, he always give me emotional support and endless advices till sometimes, I am the one who's tired of listening. Ok, sorry. He, loves me for who i am. I dont have to dress up or look nice to impress all the time, he take me for who I am.

You, I want to tell you that you still makes my heart beat faster everytime you call, you text and everytime we meet. I don't know why I still have butterflies whenever we meet.. And I admit i still adore and love you. I admit, theres still alot of akwardness between us, but baby, I love you.

= recents =

2008-07-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

went out with workmates on sat.. me, mummy beatrice, remy, kelvin and mr handsome, tarik.. crash in a hotel room.. all 6 of us.. we laugh, played stupid games, laugh til our tummy cram.. drink race.. tell stupid ghost stories.. and eventually all fell asleep..

had a great time.. tonnes of laughter cause of tarik's stupid games and his facial reactions... hey tarik, i still can't forget ur face sia.. haha.. anw, we were telling ghost stories la.. and pls la.. its at ard 5 plus in the morning.. it was tarik's turn to tell.. so off he go.. telling about his experience... end up he got so paranoid, he told us "ok guys, dun freak me out. im gona piss with the door open.." and guess what, he really did.. me and the rest laugh out so loud, the next door knock on the wall... haha.. yea, we made tonnes of noise.. i can tell the neighbours find it hard to sleep.. haha..

anw, here are the two pics of me and junior.. recently taken...

dun mind me face.. was pretty shag.. after work dok...

baby love at 4months... and yea. he's pretty NOISY now...

tatz it for now.. im shag.. see ya around..

"remy! next outing biler??? aku rindu la nak hang out ngan korang lagik.. meh kiter buat drink race lagik..!!"

-shasha-
ps: imy boy.
080708

= updates =

2008-07-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

just finish work.. n now junior is sitting on ma lap.. will post pics of him up soon.. wen i got the time..

work haf been superbly busy lately... with the amount of shit outside work that i haf to handle.. all i can say is "fuck... gimme a break.."...

i nid a time out.. again.. 2 days back, went to balcony again with 3 friends.. laugh alot about every funny things that we talk about.. some sort celebrate remy's bdae... bought him drinks.. so i guess i did my part and cheered him up a lil bit.. we're hanging up again soon..

had a great time releasing stress with buddies from work.. but in my heart i was really hoping he could meet up.. but i noe he's working and he got his own things to settle.. so yah.. let him be..
all i can say is i miss him..

cheers to everone i noe.. next booze, sundae!

- here to confess -

2008-06-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

just finish work and i injured my feet once more while on the move. nvm. fuck it.

i got a confession to make to you. listen up.

i can't lie the moment i see you again, my heart jumps with ultimate joy. one kind of happiness i nvr felt in a long time. i miss you damn badly. i wanna hug you and wouldnt let go, but i'm afraid i'll scare you away forever. so i stop myself. but the moment you hug me, i felt so relieved, like a fucking heavy burden being lifted off me. i miss your touch. i miss your voice. but most of all, i miss you.

it has been long since i last saw you. i dun deny every single fucking sec i think about you. People told me to just forget about it and move on with life and find anotha guy. Like you used to say, talk is easy. To do it is just so damn fucking hard. Especially when no one reali reali understand what you're going thru and what you're feeling..

Remember last night i ask how's life? And you answered, fucked up. And i ask you to tell me about it? Yah, life has been fucked up for me too.. guess this is how my life is sapose to be.. at the very most, i can't believe its gonna end very soon.. you shud noe what i'm talking about..

i try and try to push myself to the very limits.. even though my head hurts like fuck, i ignore it and continued on.. you used to say im a strong girl.. And i wanna show the world that i can be strong, even in the last bits of my life now.. things change.. not people.. trust me, my life has been plunging downwards ever since then.. i smile, joke and laugh every single day to make other people's day.. but onie you managed to make my day last night when we met..

Honestly, i still want you back here with me.. But i noe you rather not.. i dun wanna you to suffer more than you have been when with me.. so what the fuck.. i'm leaving soon aniwae.. life dun give a shit about anybody.. and as you businessmen say, time dun wait for anione.. so yah.. what the fuck..

days are numbered to the major day.. time is running out.. before i leave i wanna let you noe i still love you alot like i have been.. its not a lie being made up.. like the title of this entry says, i'm here to confess.. i can't lie and i won't lie about how i feel.. you shud noe me by now. i dun play with matters of the heart..

all i wanna you do now is take good care of yourself.. and hope for the best.. if ladyluck is by me, i guess i will survive.. but i can't be so sure can i? so, take good care of yourself and of coz the BK. as you love to say, be good. dun take drugs. shasha signing out.

muackz..
shasha.
01 05hours.
180608.
confessions outlawed.
ps i love you.

2008-05-20T04:43:00.000-07:00

guess now you knoe the whole truth.. i'm sorry it has to be this way..
i'm sorry for hurting you in any way that occured..
i'm so goddamn sorry i have to leave..
it so freaking hurts, it kills inside..
i knoe i'm not perfect like your dream girl..
but i've tried my best to make you happy..
i've push myself to the fullest for you..
but now, i'm too weak to do that...
i do push myself to the limits to stay alive..
i try not to think about it..
i try not to overwork myself..
but i guess i aredi did..

i confess i still love you alot..
i confess i still want you in my life..
i confess i still care for you alot..
i confess i want you back..
but i knoe i can't..
you aredi have someone new in your heart..
and you aredi knoe what i'm going thru rite now..
its ok.. i understand..
if god says i'm not meant to be with you, i can't fight the facts..
but i knoe i still love you with all my heart and soul..

i dun deny..
i pray for your happiness and health every single day..
hope you're happy with your new girl partner..
may she take care of you better than i do..
may she understand you more than i do..

in time to come, i'm gone,
pls remember me as a memory,
of the beautiful times we had..
forgive me of my mistakes..
forgive me for leaving unexpectedly...
forgive me for all the bad times we had..
forgive me for all the hurt ive caused..

thank you for giving me a chance to love you...
thank you for giving me a chance to care..
thank you for giving me a chance to learn..
thank you for everything..

ps, i love you.

-shasha-20/05/08-
i admit i still love you alot and i want you back.

= speechless =

2008-05-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

i noe i am.. but what abt you..
haix..

-shasha-170508-
-it feels like its gone-

= ENUF =

2008-05-11T01:23:00.000-07:00

Passerby: hey, what a cute baby u got there.. Just like ur "HUSBAND".

Passerby: well, no one important... just take care of monster... dont let him stray wild with other girls... this is an advice...

Shasha reply:

Know what. this is the last straw. U're dead MR/MISS PASSERBY.

N GUESS WHAT? I'M NO LONGER JOKING.

= updates =

2008-05-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

been really busy with work.. so rarely update...

anw, went out with Taz and Fy on 2nd may.. had a great time though i was freaking sleepy coz i taunt the whole freaking nite the day before with him... so yeah...

talked about almost everything.. honestly, i really miss having that time spent with my girlfriends and talk openly about everything... we joke, laugh out loud till people look at us.. share a i-forgot-wat-is-the name-of-the-cake cake.. share two different drinks.. yes, smoke alot.. Pictures? dun nid say... thanks to the highly pro Fy, she took basically pictures of everything she can see... yes, including nose, ears, and whatsoever... Took so many pictures, our eyes turn blur thanks to the bright flash on Taz's cam that she uses...

the night before, i finish work at 11plus.. walk all the way to cityhall mrt to take a train back while on the phone conversation with B... den realise i forgotten to take my wallet from my work locker.. so no choice have to walk all the way back and miss the last train... so took a cab ovr to Gombak and we chatted all night long at Guilin... Seriously, i miss that... But as soon as its ard 4plus or 5plus... we kinda argued... and i turn heavy on smoking... (dun ask.. that awaz calms me down) den everything return to calm and cool kinda situation... Sent me off to take my train home.. Reached home and lie beside jnr for ard 3 hours, bath and back to workplace at noon..

i got one thing to say... dun try to twist the story to me coz i jolly well aredi noe the truth behind those pictures... I might not say it to u now.. but trust me, i might say it to ur face one day... and yes, it breaks my heart to see that in ur fone... i just dun wanna show it to u.. i tell u here.. U just dun understand me or my feelings... haix.. im so disappointed in u...

stop lying to me and i'll stop pretending...

Jnr aslp now and i'm so freaking tired.. just got back from work... and need my rest for tomorrow coz there's function held after 6pm.. gonna be damn tired... so, take care peeps...
and to ezad de jack, i miss u bro... y didnt u call me like u promised? anw, nice to hear u're back here safe... take care..
to pirapakaran s/o raja gopal a.k.a jack, fucking tell me the fucking truth of what occured in bintan.. tell me lies to cover him, i'll hate u for life... just like how i hate FARHANA (ex-ve collegue)... trust me...

dun tell me to stop hating someone just bcoz that person apologise to u but not to me... stop saving that person's ass.. stop saying i can't control my anger.. coz if its true, i think i might not be here by now, but either in jail or dead thanks to murder... geddit dearie? love ya...

-shasha-070508-
-jnr turn 2months today, i love you-

- haix -

2008-04-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

i guess it just doesn't matter anymore even though you're called a friend.

It seems i'm more to invicible to your eyes.. thanks anyway for being the bestest friend ever..

i'll never forget the memories... just let me live my life the way i want it to be..

to people, say what you wanna say.. i can't be bothered anymore.. fuck load of bullshit..

to baby.. lets go out for a drink.. my treat.. yeah?

muackz.. love you...

-shasha-

220408

fuck all this shit.. i nid a drink..

- Dedication -

2008-04-16T04:19:00.000-07:00

-bTaz-

-fizz-

The two much loved by me.. No matter how fake people might see it thru their eyes, i honestly say i do love them both.. though i noe i might not be able to be close with them again like how things were.. But still, i adore them.. So many memories.. So many laughter.. So many smiles.. So many tears.. And so many joys.. I treasure our friendship.. Till the end of time..

To Fiza, 29/04/08, Happy 19th Birthday darl.. Miss celebrating bdaes with you... may your life is filled with love and happiness no matter how much obstacles life has planned out for you.. i miss you.. take care...

To Taz, welcome back to spore.. i miss you.. hope things are going well for you... take care...

-shasha-
16/04/08
i can't say much. i miss you sweetheart.

- i noe -

2008-04-12T01:24:00.000-07:00

i never thought u actually still cared about me... i never thought its this hard to push things to the past and start a new life again with you... i never thought i would miss you this much till i fall ill... i never thought it hurts this much...

if only i knew, i would have take the pain away from you... if only i knew, i would never want to hurt you... if only i knew, i would never want to be apart from you... if only i knew, i would have told everything i hide from you... my emotions... my feelings... my thoughts... my mind...

Everytime i think of you, i wonder whether you're thinking of me too... everytime i'm missing you, i wonder whether you're missing me too... everything feels so strange now... and baby, its never the same without you...

i'm just afraid to make another move.. I'm just afraid i'll hurt you more than i aredi have.....
This is what i've become... Fragile.. Afraid of my own shadows and movements...

i knoe what i did yesterday made you angry... i seek your forgiveness...

-shasha-

12/04/08

1640hours

- tag replies -

2008-04-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

*etty: congratulation! (: *hugs*
shasha: thanks girl... =) *hugs*

MIZA: eh, so cutee seh! hope u're doing fine, babe. take cr
shasha: hehe... thanks... u too k...

HL: Congrats! Why didn't you tell me earlier?! Alamak! He cute! I'm so happy for you!
shasha: Thankiew.. How to? i dun haf ur contact number..!! haha.. thankiew...!!

- i'm sick of hiding -

2008-04-04T03:55:00.000-07:00

i'm sick of hiding.

i dun care what others want to say.

i can't be bothered by negative remarks anymore.

baby, i miss you alot.. muackz.. i love you..

"i'm nice smelling.. i just bath!"

"yes i know mummy, i'm good looking. dun have to take so many photo!"

-shasha-

04/04/2008

both will always be in my heart forever no matter what. much love.

- its love -

2008-04-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

i love you baby.

alot.

i miss you baby.

alot.

-shasha-

02/04/2008

- why -

2008-03-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

"why do you even love me b?" - was the question you asked me this morning.

Coz you're special to me and coz i love you truely.

2008-03-29T07:20:00.000-07:00

Loneliness is creeping up my back.

Tears flowing freely.

yes, i want us back.

- insanity -

2008-03-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

don't bother asking why the picutre is up.

I just miss you damn bad.

Insanity of mind occurs as i cry in silence.

i want you back.

And its true.

- i confess -

2008-03-29T06:36:00.000-07:00

yes i confess.

i'm still deeply in love with you.

yes i confess.

i'm missing you badly every second that passed by.

yes i confess.

i don't want the relationship to end.

yes i confess.

we've been through alot.

yes i confess.

i want us back together.

yes i confess.

i want you back.

and yes i confess.

i wanna meet you and confess to you everything.

-shasha-

29/03/08

2008-03-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

i can't say much.

I'm lost & confused.

- i confess -

2008-03-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

Thank you for everything.

The good and bad times.

The love, care, respect and trust.

But...

i'm sowie.

But i can't lie to you.

Never once i lie to you. Never will.

Right now i tell you.

I'm sowie i can't.

I can't pretend everything's okae.

I can't take another step forward.

I can't move on.

I told you before and i'll tell you again.

I can't live my life without you.

Once more,

i'm sowie.

i can't.

I need you back.

I want you back.

Come back baby.

Please.

-shasha-

20/03/2008

Come back baby please..

- i'm falling - deep down -

2008-03-20T06:03:00.000-07:00

Tell me why this hurts so much.

Coz i myself don't understand even if i try.

i'm sowie.

I just can't. i really can't.

i'm sowie.

I'm falling deeper in than i know.

I can't pick myself up.

i'm caught in a trap that i can never free myself from.

The trap with poisonous air.

The one i breathe that causes me to bleed.

"The day i said i love you, i will never let you face the world alone"

Those were the words you used to say to me once.

And never did you allow that to happen.

But i never thought that day finally came.

I HAVE to face the world alone.

Why baby why?

"In life, sacrifies should be made."

"To make one party happy, you have to hurt the other party"

Is this it?

The biggest sacrifies you ever have to make.

Sacrifies our love, our future together

to make some other people happy.

You not only kill me inside.

You kill yourself inside too.

Just for them.

May i ask why?

i respect that decision in a way.

That you rather hurt yourself and me

For the sake of their happiness.

But in another way, i can't accept that decision.

I'm sowie.

It just seems unfair.

yes i know.

Life's unfair.

-shasha-

20/03/2008

- confessions -

2008-03-19T04:26:00.000-07:00

Its not over tonite.

Just gimme one more chance to make it right.

please.

i tear my heart open.

i feel all broken up inside.

please.

its not over right?

One more chance.

For me to make it all better.

-shasha-

19/03/2008

once more.. please

- lets play pretend -

2008-03-19T04:11:00.000-07:00

i'm sowie..

but this wound will never heal..

it hurts too much till it kills..

i'm too afraid to look in the mirror to see my reflection..

It hurts damn bad..

I'm too afraid to take another step..

It kills another limb of mine..

I'm too afraid to do anything else..

I'm aredi dead inside..

People say "Time heals everything"

I'm sowie..

But this wound will never heal..

It can never heal again..

Maybe if my heart stops beating,

it won't hurt so much..

Please don't get me wrong.

I just can't..

I'm sowie..

Lets play pretend..

Pretend that everything's alright..

But i noe right now i say..

I'm sick of saying everything's okae..

Coz reality check, its not..

Its not okay..

I'M not okay..

I can never be okay till i have you again..

i'm sowie..

-shasha-

19/03/2008

i can't.. i just can't..

- Once upon a time - To Monster Lee -

2008-03-19T02:31:00.000-07:00

It all begins almost like a fairytale. Having him around blessed me with tonnes of happiness. From darkness, he brought upon light in my life. He cheered on me, encouraging me to go further and never give up on anything. He taught me alot of things. But most of all, he taught me the great value of true love. Something i never found till i met him.

The soft whispers of 'i love you's. The warm, comforting and secure hugs. The little kisses of everyday love. The smiles of a million wonders. The laughter of pure joy. The love of a true person. Something which alot of people think he's not capable of doing. But deep down, i noe he's true.

The good memories of everyday. The sweet laughter of happiness. The cheerfulness. The all sweet pure love that poured out. The bond ever so great that could never break apart. The bitterness of life that tried to tear us apart always fails. The trust we build up for each other stand so strong even though there are days when it rattled.

I'm sowie baby. But i have to confess. I can't live without you around. Everything reminds me of you. From every step i take, to every movement, to every place i go, to everything i see, eat, drink, touch or hear and to every prayer i make. Its just so hard. i can't. i'm sowie. i wanna hug you. I need you damn bad. Call me desperate i dun give a shit. But you're so damn precious to me. You've made a huge (even huge is not the right word) impact in my life. but why now? I dun understand. Really. I received your mail. I read it through and through. I printed it out. I read it again and again. I noe you didn't meant it. But still, i can't understand the decision i have to go through. Alone. I'm sowie if everything that happen put you under so much pressure that you decided on that. Mistakes are made. History can't be erased. This is the song you recently downloaded:

Until the day i die - Story of the Year

Until the day I die

I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die

I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by

I race the clock with you

But if you died right now

You know that I'd die too

I'd die too

You remind me of the times

When I knew who I was (I was)

But still the second hand will catch us

Like it always does

We'll make the same mistakes

I'll take the fall for you

I hope you need this now

Cause I know I still do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue?

Until blood soaks my shirt

We'll never fall apart

Tell me why this hurts so much

~~My hands are at your throat~~

~~And I think I hate you~~

But still we'll say, "remember when"

Just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!

Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!

~~My hands are at your throat~~

~~And I think I hate you~~

We made the same mistakes

Mistakes like ~~friends~~ do

~~My hands are at your throat~~

~~And I think I hate you~~

We made the same mistakes

Made the same mistakes

Until the day I die

I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

Until the day I die!!!

You're never alone baby.. Even though we might not be living together anymore, i still love you alot.. and i will awaz love you forever and that fact will remain. i have never hated you, and i can never do that. i love you too much to hate you.. in my life there's onie one guy i love the most.... you... no one else.. baby pls. i noe you got your reasons of to why... and i'm willing to listen if you're willing to tell.. my biggest fear happened even though i never ask for it and owas prevent it from happening.. and honestly even till now, i can't stop crying ever since i left that place.. my head hurts. my stitches hurts.. but my heart hurts more.. baby, tell me why..

i've been trying to find myself ever since.. but i just can't seem to.. i try to calm myself but i can't.. my hopes and dreams shattered.. my world came crumbling down.. there's no use to life anymore.. i can't do it.. i've lost myself.. i've lost my courage.. i've lost my faith.. i've lost my cheerfulness.. i've lost everything i hold so dear.. but never once in life i regret ever since i knew you.. coz ever since i knew you, i noe you're special in every way.. it depends on how people look at you..

god, tell me why you took that sparkle from my eyes. god, tell me why this hurts so much.. maybe now we're not meant to be.. tapi as you used to say to me, kalau jodoh tak ke mane... we'll be together someday.. i noe we will.. i love you alot..

-shasha-

19/03/2008

staying alive coz i know i haf you.

if you die, i die too.

i mean what i say to you on websms just now..

- warning -

2008-03-16T03:47:00.000-07:00

i'm angry. i'm frustrated. i'm about to blow up. Trust me. You won't like it. At all.

-counting the days-

2008-03-06T03:14:00.000-08:00

i'm counting the days...

questions never fail to linger in my mind..

n right now, i miss you...

-shasha-060308-

- babbling about -

2008-02-21T03:12:00.000-08:00

This is what almost everyone i noe is doing:

Babble, babble, bitch, bitch..

i wonder whats so fun about talking about other people.. They get so excited talking behind people's back.. but when the moment karma turns around, and they're the ones who got bitch about, they got angry.. haix... people... grow up.. stop talking about others if you yourself dun wanna be bitch back..

Typical lah... what i noe, if you wanna bitch about me also, do it wisely.. Coz all i noe, once the moment people hit back on you, you won't like it at all.. So what can i say? Be smart.. JANGAN JAGE TEPI KAIN ORANG LAIN. JAGE HAL SENDIRI KAN LAGIK BAGUS..

Anw, i had an encounter the other day.. was quarelling over the phone.. (can't mention anything).. Can't control my sadness so tears kept on flowing.. But this nice girl, stopped by to give me her packet of tissue.. Aww.. so nice of her.. I would like to thank her.. If she talked abt me like others haf did, i would have called her a minah.. but i won't.. she's nice.. thanks girl..!! appreciate it...

Yesterday afternoon, mum, dad and me watch this VCD we just bought.. Entitled 'Hantu'.. And yes its an indonesian story.. The funny thing is that, if its a ghost story, USUALLY people watch it feeling tense as they might not knoe what is gonna happen next to the victim.. But in this case, me, my mum and dad was like shouting and laughing all the time whenever the ghost make its appearance to the victim.. B, honestly you shud have seen us.. I think you'll shake your head.. hehe..

Wasn't feeling too good when i woke up this morning.. very very weak.. was shaking badly.. i wanna do breakfast for B and me oso i do slowly.. coz i scared the cup might drop and break to pieces...

The Singtel person come to install the MIO thingy just now.. He was only able to do the one in my parents' room but not the one in the living room.. So he left and dad did all the work.. sometimes its better you do it yourself coz you get to learn something new.. Like how to fix it and how the thing works and stuff..

So right now, its official... the house fone is back in the living room.. But i can confirm, chop and sign guranteed that she will be the one who hogs on the fone almost all the time coz its free outgoing... standard.. guna pandai.. tolong bayar taknak... bengap nye pompan.. haix..

Hoping to complete my tasks soon... So, lesser burden.. So, all the best shasha..!!

And i love you baby..!!

-shasha-210208-1928hours-

-bits and pieces of thoughts-

2008-01-13T00:53:00.000-08:00

Currently he and the rest of the training unit is at Indon doing their outfield course.. They started their journey there on a ferry at 10.55am this morning.. He managed to call me up first before the journey.. Hope everything is alright there..

I've not been feeling well lately.. oh well, its the first experience.. so i guess its normal.. Been doing housework lately.. Slowly.. Doing things i can managed first.. Those i can't, put it aside first..

Been having nightmares and crazy dreams lately.. But all that i guess is because i have a disturbed mind.. thatz all.. Things have been crazy lately in the house.. But everybody is trying to cope well with it.. Well.. esp me of course.. Haven been going down to VE for close to a month now.. I guess Adrian is wondering where the heck i and him gone to.. Well, we decided not to come down unless to submit sales or talk to consultants.. Meanwhile, we do more research for recruitment and finding sales targets... Its not as if we're not doing anything tho..

I miss the kids in the organization.. I wonder how are all of them doing.. I hope they're doing alright.. Its time to move on.. I can't stay in the organization forever.. I have things to do and i can't possibly always come down for their training... Its too clashy with other stuffs in my daily plannings.. Sorry kids.. Maybe we'll see each other on a more joyous occassion..

Oh yah, contract with Kino ended in dec 07.. It was a great experience working with ppl below my age.. We learn alot from each other.. One of them is a gifted girl.. She passed her exam with extreme flying colours.. 200/200.. Gawd.. she's good.. Kino's a great place.. Employees are cool.. Well, everywhere you go, there are gossipers.. And you have to admit that you can never run away from them or their gossips... Its normal.. I'm used to it.. Its standard life of singaporeans..

oh well.. thatz life.. Right now, all i'm waiting for is for him and his crew to return to Singapore safely, intact and alive..

Take care ppl..

-shasha-130108-5.13pm

- specially for the ladies -

2007-12-25T08:08:00.000-08:00

let me write it big and clear for you.
This is specially for the ladies out there.

If you're the kind who really looks after your skin or you're the one who puts your facial or skin care as one of your top priority, this is an offer.

Let me introduce to you an item called 'Pearl Ions Lotion'.

Does the name SKL ring a bell? Well as you all might know, their product comes in 7 different bottles for every treatment. Its mostly for facial care. Well, heres a better promo.

Pearl ions lotion works exactly the same way as SKL. It cleanses your skin, whitens and maintains your skin's health. But there's more to it. SKL is inedible. Meaning you cannot consume the product. Whereas Pearl Ions Lotion is edible. Trust me. Its 100% safe to consume.

Its good for facial and for health. Sorethroat? Fever? Consume the pearl ions lotion. Seriously it works wonders. I have positive feedbacks from others who have already bought it. And they say the price is worth it.

Guys, don't be upset. Guys are able to use it to. For healthwise, why not?

Each bottle cost $201.00/- . Contact me at my email ladyinblack1602@yahoo.com.sg / for those who know my contact number may contact me straight there. Interested to know more details? Contact me personally. Cheers.

Regards, Shasha.
(will upload the pic soon)

- something called flashbacks -

2007-11-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

i have this thing called flashbacks all the time.. flashbacks of both, good and bad times.. even then, tears flow as i slowly remember all the things that has been going on.. i feel like i'm on an endless rollercoaster ride.. the one that would never end, not in a million years..

baby, do you remember the day we both first met each other? its funny how the meet up took place.. in both our heads are the words saying 'deja-vu'.. and how both of us look at each other even though we sat quite a distance apart.. with alot of people walking about, we still do see each other.. not caring of the surroundings.. i smile alot when i think of it..

followed by the incidences in the office.. the words that made me laugh.. made me smile up till today.. that smile that brought upon joy in my life and made me look forward in life.. all the laughters and smiles throughout the months of our life, made me more than happy.. i felt as if i'm being lifted in the air by happiness..

the days we're together, the days we're apart.. all are the pieces of a puzzle slowly joined up together to form a beautiful masterpiece.. something so valuable, not even money can buy it from our life..

the days we argue and fight.. the days i shed tears.. the days i kept mum just about everything.. the days i just refuse to even speak up.. the days i thought i'm going to lose you.. the days we're at that verge of throwing everything away.. the days i'm at the verge of going insane.. all of that i can say are just parts of the puzzle itself.. i'm not lying when i say i love you alot.. i'm not lying when i say i wana end my life with you in it.. i'm not lying when i say i'm more than happy being with you and having you.. i might say the werds which hurts.. i might say werds that might kill.. i might say the werds that brings you down.. but all of that i didn't mean it.. all of it came out of anger.. and i never see it coming.. sincerely and truly, i apologize from the bottom of my heart..

everyday i thank god coz i have you in my life.. thankiew for everything.. only god knows that i really appreciate having you here, by my side, in my life.. i love you always, no matter what.. even if i might say those werds, god knows i'm lying, coz i'm never gonna be able to do that.. to the future life that is coming, i hope we're able to face it together, like we owas do.. i love you alot.. and i never even thought, even the slightest bit, to find another person to replace you in my heart, coz you're aredi locked in my own soul.. something i could never live without.. muackz..

-shasha-191107-

- LONELY DAY -

2007-10-27T00:39:00.000-07:00

"Lonely Day"

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

-shasha-261007-
i cry my heart out knowing i'm dead and alone... why did you haf to do it?..

- a msg to you -

2007-10-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

To dearest: Norhafiza Md Shah.

Message tag together with entry:

"i noe its like super late to say this but, i wanna say, happy belated 18th birthday that occured on April 29..

i just wanna tell you this, i read your letter over and over again for countless times over the years ever since graduation day.. and i really wanna tell you that i might say harsh things and might misunderstood some incidences in our friendship, but i still LOVE YOU GIRLFRIEND.. and i really wanna hug you and tell you that i miss you and that i still love you like i did during our secondary school days...

i noe whatz past is past.. but pls note that i never put you as part of my past life.. but owas present in my heart.. and i everyday wish i could see you again before everything is too late.. take care girl..

selamat hari raye.. maaf kalau selame ni shidah sakitkan hati fiza.. maaf kalau terkasar bahase biler kite gurau atau bbual.. tuhan saje yang tahu ape yang shidah nak luahkan pade fiza, yang masih shidah anggap sebagai seorang teman baik dan kakak.. assalammualaikum.."

- confessions from me to you -

2007-10-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

i wanna you to noe,
no matter what,
you'll always be in this heart of mine..

i love you alot. and you noe that.
nothing can ever change that.
not in a million years.
muackz.

-shasha-9.51pm-241007-

- explainations -

2007-10-23T05:28:00.000-07:00

how do you explain loneliness?
i noe i can't explain it all in words.
sometimes i can only say it out in my head.
thinking who could hear me out.
thinking who would understand.
sometimes i try to say it out, putting it in sentences.
but only to make misunderstanding occur.
can you tell me how?
coz i really dunno.

how do you say you're lonely bcoz he's too busy,
bcoz he's too caught up with things.
how do you say it without making things worse?
how do you say it without hurting him?
how do you say it all in a smile?
a smile so crooked with lines that contain sadness.

does it matter if i let it out?
does it matter what i feel deep inside?
does it matter if i leave it inside and not tell a word about it?
if one day i'm gone, will it make any difference if i get a chance to tell about it?

sometimes i ask myself, how do i let it out.
how do i even say it.
without letting any crystal tear drop freely down my face.
if i want to talk about it, i wonder about on how to do it.

so tell me, how do i do it?

-shasha-231007-8.46pm-

- confessions -

2007-09-23T06:10:00.000-07:00

i wanna make it up to her.

can i?

-shasha-230907-

-9.18pm-

- the bestest people ard -

2007-09-23T05:11:00.000-07:00

this is ISQ2006.

ITE College Central Bishan.

Higher Nitec Business Studies (administration).

the people i associate with when i was in school with them.

they're fun-loving, funny, bubbly, chatty and great to mix around with.

the bond among the class is superb.

i'm proud to call them family even though i left the class much earlier than expected.

i still miss them though.

Not to forget the class advisor, Miss Amy Tay Hui Hui.

Known for her obsession with Hello Kitty and lady who always wears a dress and high heels.

Miss them loads.

- what does it take -

2007-09-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

what does it take for me to recover? You, my dear husband. You owas cheer me up whenever i feel down or not well.. If you didnt noticed, everytime you do that, i start to recover from my sickness.. And as days passed, you keep making me laugh and smile with all your jokes and funny movements.. Plus hugs and your get-well-soon-kisses on my forehead everytime i went to sleep to rest.. Orang tua-tua ada cakap, seorang teman hidup yang akan berkekalan adalah sebuah penawar bagi teman hidupnya.. or, however they put it.. (translation: old ppl got say, your true lifetime partner is your medicine whenever you're not well..) okay, easier translation.. if your partner is really your lifetime partner, whenever you're sick or unwell, when he/she is there by you, you're easily to get well or recover fast..

whatever it is, i noe the moment we found each other, we found true love.. and i love you the way you are no matter what ppl wanna say about you.. Coz its you i'm in love with, not them.. trust me.. Muackz.. I love you.. Thankiew so muchie for these past few weeks i've been really ill.. You've been a great company..

and for all the muslims, Selamat Berpuase.. May this month of Ramadhan brings you true meaning of life and bring you closer to ppl you love and that you have the patience to undergo any obstacles that come by.. Amin..

take care..

-shasha-220907-
-11.14pm-

- why the feeling? -

2007-09-20T00:44:00.003-07:00

(taken from diary)

why am i feeling this way? why am i feeling sad? wanting to cry all the time? why am i feeling so angry? why am i experiencing fast mood swing again? why am i angry all the time all of a sudden?

i'm tired of it.. i'm tired of hiding.. i'm tired of wearing that mask.. i wanna break free.. i wanna spend my time with you again like we used to.. i miss those days.. in fact i miss you.. alot.. i dunno what else to do..

gawd, this feels almost like depression.. except that i'm not having it..

haix.. i wonder whatz going on.. i wonder how long is this gonna last.. i wonder when will it end.. haix.. i kept having these questions running over and over in my head like a broken record.. i tried to ignore it but the more they echo in my head.. making ma head hurts..

tell me what to do honey.. i'm confused.. and feeling a little bit lost..

-3.08pm-

- crossed out - 280907 -

2007-09-20T00:44:00.002-07:00

it was sapose to be a surprise for me. But i keep on bugging him with millions of questions asking what is it. But he won coz he didnt spill anything to me at all. Until, we got to the place.

well, i was smiling from ear to ear when we got there.. Finally, i managed to own the heels i was hoping for.. He bought it for me.. And plus, its ma lucky day, the heels is on discount and i am allowed to purchase another thing for a discounted price.. Hehe.. Happy day.. After we got what we want from Orchard, we head down to Geylang..

it was stuffy.. as usual.. but he managed to get me a baju kurung to match his black male baju kurung for this upcoming hari raya.. cute.. and guess what, the man at the stall was super nice to us that he gave us a cheaper price than expected.. i mean, is it jux lucky or everything we bought was given a discount..? hehe.. anw, got the baju kurung.. so we head straight to the food section to get food for buke.. and we spent in total close to $200 with a snap..! heesh..

2 things off my wishlist.. thanks to him.. for making it possible.. muackz..

- im the unforgiven -

2007-09-20T00:44:00.001-07:00

i dunno when will you realise that you're the will for me to get well whenever i fall sick.. everytime i fall sick, you promised to look after me.. tell me whats in your mind.. do you want me to get well? do you want to help me get well? your actions says, no.

i'm lying down, feeling almost dying of this sickness.. wondering when will i recover.. wondering if you'll ever be the one taking care of my meal and my medications.. wondering if you'll sit beside me while i sleep and rest away the tiredness of being sick, hoping i'll recover soon.. wondering if you'll be the one who tuck me in bed and tell me i'll be okay..

honestly, thatz in my mind.. the things that you never let me see.. while i cry away in my heart at night everytime i tell myself i'll be okay, i wonder if you ever noticed that.. while i try to hold back my tears of pain, everyday wanting to get well, wondering if you noe and see my pain.. i noticed your sorrow.. i noticed your troubled mind.. but you hid it all from me.. and everyday i wonder when will you tell..

i noe you love me alot... i love you alot too.. no doubts about that.. but honey, its time to realise that things you hide for too long will soon be out for me to noe..

till then, i will still wait.. coz i noe what i say in my mind or verbally, will cause hurt, no matter its for good or bad..

-shasha-200907-
-5.19pm-

- tribute to the girl -

2007-09-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

for sure i dunno who she is. but for all i noe, she's part of the BK. Means she's part of him. i dunno what actually happened, but all i noe it sparked anger in him.i guessed she meant so much to him, til he said the fight just turned personal. well, to be honest, i was abit tersinggung* when he said that. especially now i'm still very weak.

*tersinggung = emotions disturbed/hurt

to be frank, i dunno who the BK are. But after putting so much faith and trust in them, i still think they do exist in this heart of mine.

One girl, apparently close to his heart, moved on yesterday morning. I didn't noe about it till someone came to my dreams and let me see it. After hearing his explainations on what actually happened, i'm sorry for the loss of her. Honestly, i'm still me. I still feel sorry for anybody who just lost a member of a family, even if it happen to be my enemy.

i can't say much about it. My mind too weak to think up many words. But all i noe, BK, i spare a silent moment for her. She's part of you people, means she's part of him. dun worie, i understand the sorrow he's facing.

hey, i'm still a human with a heart noe.. so i understand..

-shasha-200907-4.02pm-

- fear -

2007-09-10T04:14:00.000-07:00

Its beacuse of fear.. its because of fear that i fall.. i kept on falling.. the world is pushing me down everytime i try to stand up.. its the fear that haunts me.. its the fear causing me much hurt..

but y? why is fear out to haunt me? what have i done now..? Fear caused me alot of hurt.. Because of fear too, i got into alot of misunderstood quarells.. Why is the fear there..? Why? i dun understand..

baby, please help me thru this.. Please guide me along this tough life.. i can't go thru it alone..
please..

-shasha-100907-

. im going to be missing you .

2007-09-03T01:07:00.000-07:00

all i wanna you to knoe is that i'm gonna be missing you dear baby..
and that i love you alot..
it might be that we aren't able to see each other..
or to see you grow up..
i still love you..
muackz..

shasha.030907.

- haunting memories -

2007-08-13T05:29:00.000-07:00

why is everything happening so fast? dun you feel that time is moving so fast that everything happen in a blink of an eye..

two years passed.. and i still think of you..
(hey, peeps, dun think wrong k.. most of you might think i'm talking about ex-boyfrens, no. its ma late cousin)

why isit it took so long for me to realise that we're related? why isit when its too late then i knoe? why didnt't i realise that we had that blood-related family ties? till today, i still think of you.. i still speak about you.. i still say your name.. it remain fresh in ma head.. whatever happen that night, it still remain as a scar in my heart.. i could never forget.. i'm sorry.. i tried..

i still hold that book of mine.. the one you touch and play around with for the final time.. that day, you just finished your N level oral.. you and the 3 other boys came disturbing me at study corner, telling me all about your oral.. As i listen, i noticed you toy around with my maths book.. Twirling it on your finger.. And i never thought that would be the last i saw you.. alive, that is..

i still can't forget.. i tried and i tried.. But i failed.. i'm sorry.. i cried my soul out when the news was broken to me that afternoon.. i wanted so much to see you that night.. to really prove that you're gone.. but when i got to your house with some other friends, we were told you're at the hospital.. Still trying to find the cause of your death.. i was devastated.. i wanted to hug auntie when i saw her crying helplessly, but i hold myself back.. coz i know i can't control my tears any longer..

i came back the next day to say my final goodbye to you.. i still remembers how much i cried.. i still can't forget.. i still miss you till today my dear cousin.. i still dream of you sometimes.. i still pray for you.. i'm not perfect.. but i still try to let you go.. i'm sorry..

Al-fateha to Arwah Md. Hazwan Bin Hamzah
14 Nov 1989 to 14 Aug 2005
i miss you dearly, may you leave us in peace and rest peacefully in the other world.
Amin.

shasha - 130807 - 9.19pm

- tears of a lover -

2007-08-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

Where did it go wrong? Why is this happening again? I'm sorry. But i just can't stop thinking and crying.

i love you alot. i keep telling myself that this is not happening. But the more i tell myself that, the more i breakdown. I tried. I tried. And i tried. But the more i try, the more i cry.

Tell me. What isit that i'm short of? Beauty? I noe i'm not one of those pretty chicks out there. I dun belong in the pretty or good-looking catergory. i dun belong in anything. What am i lagging of that you've been wishing secretly that i have? Affectionate love? Soft-heart? No-anger? Tell me what do you want. I'm not good enuf? I'm not nice enuf? I'm not patient enuf? Tell me.

Baby, i love you alot. I dun wanna lose you. I totally trust in you. Totally. 100%. i give you ma utmost respect. i spent all my time with you. i shower you with love and care. i respect you. i try to take care of your heart and feelings most of the times. I never play your back. I never play you out. I never backstab you. I never lose my trust in you. Not once, not before.

I dun wanna feel numb anymore. I dun wanna be cheated on anymore. Enuf of what those jerks did to me enuf to kill me entirely inside. i love you for who you are. But i jux got enuf of having to be push down my face into the dirt all the time. Its not that i dun understand your lifestyle in the past. I understand you do have freak fans and you got the kids to look after. But i'm honestly still trying to hold on and totally understand that i need to share you with millions of them out there. Pls understand that sometimes i do get jealous but thatz coz i love you and am afraid to lose you.

Forgive me for not telling you this. I cry some nights to ease the pain in me. All the pain that i've been keeping in for so long. Its not about bringing up the old stories. But its about the incident that is totally fucking same. I can't be living my entire life with you with this fucking incident occurring over and over again. pls do look into my eyes sometimes to realise that i'm hurt. I noe and trust what you say. I noe you say you wouldnt want others. I believe in that. i noe you say for what fuck you msg other girls. I believe in that. You said its others who uses your fone. But why? I thot they have their own fone? Tell me. Why? Why is the world insisting i undergo this fucking thing over and over again? I'm hurt enuf. Pls stop.

Tears keep on flowing but i try not to when in front of you. you hate to see me cry. you hate to see me angry. you hate to see me throw tantrum. you love to see me smile. you love to see me laugh. But i ask you now, when is this shit gonna stop? can you tell me? i doubt you can. Coz all i noe and understand is that a ladies man will owas stay as one. i understand b. But no matter what, i wil still love you.

i swear on my life, my soul, that i'll love you till the end of time. Coz i noe i never gave up on you no matter what. i was there when you needed someone. Everyone say, even you say to me right to my face, love needs sacrifies. I vowed to you, you may have your freedom back. And i'll promise to talk things over from today onwards. Maybe i'll still keep on crying. Only you'll understand if you really see thru me darling. i love you my dear husband. muackz.

i'm not perfect, but i will try to be.
gdnite.
1.21am

- la la la la -

2007-07-27T03:31:00.000-07:00

currently, i'm sick..!! argh... haix.. but nvm..

doc says i'm having stomach flu.. again.. haix..

the last i had stomach flu is when i was in sec 3..

i tell you, the experience sucks to the max..

try imagining throwing up every half hour to 1 hour..

but the stupid part is that there's nothing to throw up..!!

imagine how aching your stomach is after forcing itself to throw up..

ok ok.. too much info.. enuf about it..

anw, today is 27 July 07..

my 2nd anniversary with my syg..

long story.. lazy to tell..

syg, tis song is actually for you..

i totally fell in love with you the first time i saw you..

well, though it took me 5years to find..

and finally saw you at our workplace..

i was delighted i came to work and knoe you..

i love you alot ever since...

my love grew stronger for you everytime..

though we might have many recurring fights..

we're still standing strong together...

coz we knoe, we're true to each other despite having ppl trying to break us up..

i never felt safe with anyone else before..

i never feel so in love before..

but i noe, i never wanna this feeling to disappear..

i want this feeling forever..

forgive me for all the harsh things i've ever said...

forgive me for all the hurting things i did..

forgive me for all the tears i caused to flow..

forgive me for all the fights that i've caused..

forgive me for being bad at times..

forgive me for not being there at times when you needed me..

finally, forgive me for this..

i can never ever let you go darling..

i swear on my life..

i love you till the end of time..

you're the best and the greatest for me..

you're ma sunshine..

you're ma lover, ma soul, ma life..

you teach me right from wrong..

you scolded me whenever my moodswings goes uncontrollable..

you noe whats best for me and whats not..

you noe how to take care of me..

i love you alot..

muackz..

thankiew for being a part of me, past, now and forever..

words i'll never forget:

You might not be perfect in the eyes of public, but in my eyes, you are..

i love you alot, i cannot let you go.. i don't want other girls except for you..

i love you alot, remember that..

i'll remember that for sure, till the end of time..

-shasha-270707-

6.50pm

- i miss this fella -

2007-07-20T05:17:00.000-07:00

i miss this guy in the centre of the pic..

ma closest brother i ever had..

i wonder how he is now..

the last i saw of him, he had that cast on his leg..

hope he's okay..

i miss him alot..

-shasha-

- original poetry -

2007-07-20T00:39:00.000-07:00

= Goodnite Kiss =

I don't know what it is about you

that always gets me this way.

But every time I see you sleeping

with your eyes fluttering gently

and your smile so warm and inviting

something deep inside breaks down

something frozen within melt

sand washes away everything that's wrong

with the world as I know it.

For a brief moment the universe is perfect

and I feel I can do no wrong.

As I watch you clutch the sheets around you

pulling them warm and tight to your chin

I can find no fault in my life in the paths I have taken

or the decisions I have made.

I know that if my life were to end here and now

I would have reached the pinnacle of happiness

and perhaps some kind of deeper truth.

Because as I watch you sleep your perfect sleep

the sleep of the just

the sleep of the great

I know that even when happiness eludes my heart

and it seems the Gods are out to get me

that I can always borrow a smile

from your perfect dream

and a glimpse of a better world

in the reflections behind your fluttering eyes.

-monster-

-July 2006-

- friendster -

2007-07-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

NO MORE FRIENDSTER..

YEY.. NO MORE STUPID HARRASSMENTS..

NO MORE CRAZY STALKERS..

MORE LIFE NOW.. HAHA..

MUACKZ...

- tell me it hurts -

2007-07-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

i noe it shouldn't have turn this way.

i'm sorry.

if you didn't see it, i guess i should let you noe.

i'm losing control.

i'm going crazy.

all this sudden mood swings is driving me insane.

all this fights is driving me mad.

i'm sorry i can't stop it from happening.

i'm sorry i couldn't be perfect.

i'm sorry i caused too much stress.

i'm sorry for hurting you.

for all i noe, i'm hurt too.

by all this mess.

i duno what to do.

i kept trying but i kept losing it too.

i duno what else to do.

haix.

baby, all i ask for is forgive me.

i'm so afraid of losing you.

i love you alot.

i'm sorry.

i really am.

- tears -

2007-07-16T23:52:00.001-07:00

i just wanna cry.

='(

- its happening again -

2007-07-11T01:53:00.000-07:00

the question is "why the fuck can't you leave us alone?"

I thought it has already ended. But i thought wrong.

Why must you come back to destroy us when we've done nothing to you.

Why must you wreck my future, my family, my life?

Why can't you just fuck off and get lost?

it hurts alot to knoe its happening again.. for days i think about this and i'm never turning my back against my family.. to knoe you bitches are doing it again, i have never ever counted you in as my family.. why can't you just leave us alone? don't you noe what you're doing is a sin? why don't you just come back to the right path and do the right things.. people might start liking you for it.. but if you continue doing this, i swear i won't let you rest til you give up your stupid shit issues you have against us when we've done nothing..

it hurts to think how would i live through this.. how would my family live through this.. how would my family have to go through this again.. how would the lives of my generations to come be.. what the fuck do they want from us?

baby dear, i dun want to undergo this shit my entire life.. i want us to live as per normal like all other people do.. why can't we just live normally without all this shit? why? everytime i think about it, it hurts so bad.. it just hurts.. i dun want to undergo this.. i dun.. i dun want neither of us to undergo all of this.. it hurts too many people, kill to many lives.. i can't bear to live through this again.. i can't..

='(

i just wanna cry.

-shasha-11July07-5.06pm-

- we're cool -

2007-07-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

i love you baby..

i love you alot..

now that we're cool..

we're happier than ever..

lets make the best out of everything..

muackz..

-shasha-090707-

- what's wrong -

2007-07-07T04:43:00.000-07:00

what's wrong now. why aren't we seeing eye to eye.

why are we always disagreeing on everything.

what's wrong.

can you forgive me.

i dunno what i said but i didn't meant to hurt u.

i hear the words again in my head.

It hurts so much to hurt u.

it felt as if i would die.

your silence leave me broken.

each time i say something, i regret.

i cry.

i dun wanna lose you.

i can't live this life without you by my side.

look into my eyes.

tell me what do you see.

you'll see me screaming inside.

saying i'm sorie.

you're my one true love.

i never meant to hurt you.

can you forgive me.

i love you alot. i really do.

='(

every minute, i'm always waiting for your messages or calls.

no others.

i jux want you to knoe you make me very happy.

i love you alot.

i walk away from others just to be with you.

i hope you do see that.

lets not fight anymore.

it hurts so much to fight.

muackz.

forgive me baby.

-shasha-070707-8.02pm-

- To that girl i've been talking abt -

2007-07-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

I dun fucking care about whats going to happen anymore..
Fuck you and what you going to say in the future..
Lift up your leg and fuck off my life..
coz i'll do the same..
and will never return to you ever again..

Dun come to me and talk about friendships if you're the one ruining it..
Dun come to me and talk about forgiveness if you're the one who refuses..
Dun come to me and talk about how we've been thru so much together when you're the one who left..

SO FUCK OFF..!!

oh what fuck.. lets not remain anonymous..
Shasha talking about Norhafiza Bte Mohd Shah..
Used to celebrate birthdays together coz her's on 29April.
a taurus whose ego never made her see honesty..
Ex-bestie.
Stop pretending to be one.

- from Monster & BKUK - my replies -

2007-07-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

From Monster:

read n rmbr by heart.... i dn fuckin care hu n i don fuckin care whr... all i noe i fuckin love u till d day i die... fuck care wat dey say n fuck care abt everytin.... rmbr dat im stil here no matter wat... i been thru hell n back n i noe hw much pain u're keepin inside.... if u dn noe im hurt bad 2 bt ppl come n go bt MONSTER'S PRESENCE live 4EVER!!!!...

i love u gal... rmbr dat... i love u 2 death... n im honest abt dat.... ask bkuk n dey will noe... if u read diz rmbr dat d im here 4 u... i truely care 4 u n i understand y u take d shit ppl put up 2 u... if u nid help im here n the bkuk will b thr 4 u 2... trust mi wen i say the king cn do WONDERS!!

From Black & Ying:

monster iz here gal... dn fuckin worrie... the 1 n onli iz bck in biz... he will nt say quit... hes a strong dude n u nid 2 trust him n juz play along wif his shitz... hiz kinda strez at d moment bt if u really love him u cn c it... we r thr bt u cnt c us... we understand dat u dono us bt wen u look into sum1 eyes 4 some time u cn c d true person..

sowie if we talk alot... but diz iz d onli way 4 us 2 tel u dat we care 4 u n ur family... we r d ppl dat u cnt c bt u muz belive dat were dat...if u belive in air... we r like dat... bt we dn come n go juz like dat we will leave a mark dat d BKUK iz thr. watz diz shit abt u forgivin sum bitch 4 2yrs?? do u 1 ritz 2 do it 4 u??? cz i noe shez fuckin willin... all d best n do take care of monster 4 us wen we're gone... nt dat im sayin u didn... we appreciate wat u did 4 monster... n we respect dat... he will die 4 u n all of us noes dat... all d best frm d BKUK... Black(1st) &Ying(2nd) P..

Shasha replies.

To my loving husband, Monster:

thanks for all the things you've done for me and my family.. i love you alot and i have never ever forgotten that you've been there and will always be.. thanks for being so super understanding all the time.. i never said you lied about loving me alot.. i've always believe in that and i've always believe in you.. i've always believe in everything you do and will continue to do so till the day i die.. i've been honest, i noe you do too.. Thats why i seek advices from you first... coz all i noe you're my first priority.. you said "apologising won't kill.." (or something like that.. sowie i can't really remember).. and i did.. but i guess its to no avail.. so what i can say is fuck it.. no more.. i'm no slave to anyone.. and furthermore you told me that one day she'll realise that i've been sincerely apologising.. thanks for scolding me when i'm wrong.. thanks for teaching me the right from wrong.. i love you alot.. and pls do always remember that i never lie abt it or anything else... muackz...

To that special people of BKUK, Black & Ying:

(note: goes to all BKUK that i noe of)

Thanks for always being there for monster and me.. Though i might not be able to see you people that much as i want to.. i appreciate your help that you've been giving.. i really really do.. I do trust monster... i trust him alot.. i do noe that he's stress at the moment.. i noticed it a long time ago.. but how i still wished he tell me whats been going on in his head.. Even when i ask him, he kept saying "nothing".. i do understand that some things he refuses to tell coz he rather keep it to himself.. But all i want him to noe is that i'm here for him too.. though i might not be able to help that very much, at the very least i could hear his troubled mind.. i just dun want him to keep things from me even if sometimes the things can pretty much hurt when i got to knoe them.. hope everyone understands... i will take care of him till the day i leave this world.. thanks guys.. you've been there.. thanks..

To people reading this blog of mine:

i have the right to write whatever i fucking want.. its my blog.. bloghoppers are unwelcomed.. but if you happen to drop by and read, i'm cool with it.. but if you start to curse and swear my blog while reading, i suggest you leave the page instantly.. i dun tolerate nonsense from bloghoppers anymore.. so fuck whatever you wana say.. i'm in charge of this blog.. curse and swear all you want, i'm not taking it in my head nor am i tolerating it.. so like monster's and BKUK favourite words to say: FUCK OFF..!!!

-shasha-

-06July07-12.46am-

- my lovely readers' advices -

2007-07-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

05July07, 1254hrs.

Basil:

relax lah.
well i abandoned nearly all of sec sch frens.

nearly.
its ok lah nth wrong one.

just move on.

Apekyano:

hmmm.

shasha stop it.

stop apologising.

2 years gerl.

cukop lahhh.

dun tell me u did a mistake dattttt big.

Shasha replied: actually, no.

all in original words said my people named.

- sad but true -

2007-07-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

i sakit perut.

okie. not a nice way to start my entry. but wtf. i reali sakit perut.

i miss you syg. i reali do miss you.

duno how to put it in words, but all i can say is sorie. Though it might not heal the pain in your heart that others create, at the very least i tried to apologise to you. but you ignored me like i'm a piece of trash. not onie i visited your blog, i did a public apology at friendster. TWICE. You ignore it like its a piece of shit. i tag you at msn, you didnt bother to reply. i msg you at friendster countless times, you didnt reply. tell me what to do. coz i fucking run out of ideas on how to ease the pain in you. i still do miss you girl. dun put the friendship tat broke down 2years back at stake. i'm trying to put things together again. isit so hard to bring down your ego and realise i'm honest? isit so hard? so, pls do open your eyes fucking big enuf to see that im not lying to you. i never did.

to you reading this entry, pls do gimme advices. thanks a million. coz i really dunno what to do with this freaking problem which hung in midair for 2years. i cracked my head to solve it but i ended up killing myself. so, fucking tell me what to do.

tell me.

do you nid me to go down on my knees and apologise?

coz i FUCKING sure i WILL NOT.

im not your fucking victim.

-shasha-

-12.34am-05July07-

- Clear the Blues -

2007-06-30T00:20:00.000-07:00

Okay so i'm not a fan of 'The White Stripes'.

But the only song i like is 'The Seven Nation Army'. hehe.

Ever heard your conscience talking to you when you're all alone? I noe it sounds crazy la but my mind do talk to me sometimes.. haha.. Recently, heres what it says...

Conscience:

"Kick out the blues.. Time to have that smile back on the face and laughter out of your lungs.. Cheer up.. Things will get better as days passed by.. Life is beautiful noe.. Continue loving yourself coz your husband still love you alot and some other people too like your baby girls.."

To Monster:

I still love you alot and i will never back out on what i say coz i noe its forever true.. All i noe is that you're the best in my life that ever existed.. Some other guys before you are jux typical jerks that lingers around as heartbreakers.. So, thatz why i dun ever entertain them that much.. Never even kissed them.. *eew* damn yuckies.. They dun even touch my body.. haha.. anw, you noe i love you.. i still do miss you alot.. and i love you more every each day.. i care for you alot... So sorry if sparkling jealousy came by to disrupt things.. I love you.. muackz.... You're my one and only husband now and forever.. *wink*

-shasha-300607-3.30pm-

- truth hurts -

2007-06-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the truth does hurts.. alot.. but what can you do at a time when you're hanging on a thin thread? All you nid at that moment is your brain to start working and give you solutions to survive..

Yeah, things been harsh-rough lately.. But all i gotta do is face it.. Coz i never believe in running away from problems.. it never solve anything..

Yesterday, 230607, Abg Herman and Kak Nany officially got married.. It was a whole lotta fun, irritation, laughter, dancing, pictures, and not to forget work.. haix.. helped with the kendarat.. I was actually sapose to come in the morning at ard 8plus to help out with stuff la.. but because i went home past midnight the day before to help with the rewang, i slept til 10am.. but i did wake up and go over at around 11plus la.. Went in my blue kebaye which actually exposed my belly button.. haha.. the moment i reach, alot go like, "feweet, adik jambu kita da sampai sey.." CRAP...! haha.. anw, i brought a bag over too.. Containing my jeans and t-shirt.. Everyone noes i won't last wearing kebaye or baju kurung.. haha.. the moment i start to get irritated with the kebaye or kurung, i start to walk but exposing my legs.. sometimes i can lift my skirt so high up, ppl can actually see my undies.. haha.. tatz me.. even my guy noes tat.. he seen tat happen before.. haha.. So people, dun nag at me if you ask me come kendarat and i came with a bag.. Seriously, i won't last in tat.. *wink*

Erm, oh yah, i got frozen korean ginsengs for sale... But currently there's no buyers.. its still fresh and growing..

start of bidding price: $500.00/-

So, if bloggers out there knoe of anyone who wanna buy, do leave me a msg at my friendster or leave a tag at my taggy.. thanks a million..

I'll update more soon.. Take care people..

To miza: deary, what happen? care to share? you shud noe wat i'm talking abt..

-shasha-

- 240607, 8.42pm -

-been away too long-

2007-06-18T00:51:00.000-07:00

i'm sorie. guess i've been away for far too long.. to those who have been searching for me, sorie you couldnt find me.. jux wanna say is that i was actually there but you jux didnt see me..

To Sis Victoria N Sis Julie:
Thanks for the hospitality.. Thanks for the fun and laughter.. Not forgetting the laughing gas you gave me the moment you start laughing.. sorie i left without a word.. i jux dunno what to say to you.. its sad enuf i haf to leave the house noe.. hope someone understands..

To Jackass a.k.a Bacin:
Thanks for all the time you've been there for me and mon.. We're really glad you're a great bro.. Thanks for always being there..

To Zata, Ika, Faizah N Azizah (jnr):
Sorie if i wasnt there when you guys want me too.. well, not everyone is perfect.. i got to work noe to survive.. you gals study hard k.. dun forget to make your parents proud.. N never forget what i tell you.. ITE is not a low-standard school.. its a great institution where everyone get together as frenz and learn things.. Great frenz.. great teachers... Great section-head.. great environment.. so dun ever look down on ITE.. its where successful people come from too..

To Mon:
I love you honey.. thanks alot for everything.. werds can't describe how much i appreciate everything you've done for me.. muackz..

the truth 2

2007-05-27T01:48:00.000-07:00

Big girls do cry.
But only after keeping it together for a long time.
Big girls are not afraid to show how they feel.

270507-4.47pm

console me.

2007-05-27T01:46:00.000-07:00

Kiss all my anger and sadness away.
Console me.

270507-4.46pm

the truth

2007-05-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

i knoe i never say this aloud.
but mummy, i love you alot. Daddy too.
i knoe i've been bad. Forgive me.

270507-4.45pm

hurt once more? yes.

2007-05-27T01:33:00.000-07:00

you've hurt me.. again..

i dun understand you..

270507-4.35pm

-some people suck-

2007-05-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

1st: some people suck..

2nd: some people suck..

3rd: some people suck..

why i say that.. first, stop viewing my profile at friendster if you got stupid motives of disrupting my life.. you aredi noe i hate you girl, why still do it..?? stop viewing my profile.. fuck off my life bitch.. this is to a girl i hate: Nu*******. i hate you to the core..

next, now who the hell hacked into my friendster account and delete all my pics..?? fuck the person who did that.. i hate you.. find me.. i'll be waiting.. i'm not happy that you disturb my life when i never disturb yours.. so fuck you..

next, if you wanna view my blog, kip your comments to yourself.. this is my blog.. i have the right to post whatever i like.. so fuck off my life.. dun till i bug urs..

if you got my blog url, kip it private.. i never like my url being posted out to public.. so bug off..!!

-shasha-10.35pm-

-to aishah-

2007-05-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

to dearest sis,

Aishah i known since Macpherson Primary,

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY.. MAY ALL YOUR WISHES AND DREAMS COME TRUE..

CHEERS..!!

MUACKZ..!!

lotsa love,
shasha.
210507.

-funny but eeeww-

2007-05-21T06:12:00.000-07:00

Okies... some people have emerged out of no where and into my blog.. i got no idea where they knoe my blog url.. hmm.. anw.. lemme tell you a funny story... it happened today..

Okies... i woke up at noon today.. Ya ya.. i noe people... (imitating)"anak dara kalau bangun tengahari tak bagus, reski tak masuk..." ya ya.. i noe... no nid remind me.. wei, can't blame me noe.. i sleep at 5am okies... I go bath and then make breakfast la for me and mon.. so after breakfast set on the table, i go wake him up.. he refused to wake up and say, "No password no wake up.." while pointing to his cheek.. I burst laughing and give him his usual good morning kiz at the cheek.. Den he go bath and all.. after everything, we ate la... okies... straight to the point..

at around 1plus we went out to cash converters at interchange to go sell some items.. we entered and there was like around 5 to 6 people waiting.. so we took a queue number, and guess what our number is 39.. guess whatz the number on the current display? its 30..!! we was like what sia.. nvm.. we both decided to be the patient people around..

then at around 2plus, this couple, or so as what i see, entered tau.. by accident when they entered, i happen to turn to the door as i was sitting beside it.. i wanted to look outside but in the end got obstructed by unwanted sight.. A girl, or so, wearing a black tube top, and a super duper mini skirt with slippers and carrying a black big handbag entered.. behind her is her so called boyfriend, a bald guy, wearing white tee and blue jeans and converse shoes.. nevermind that they entered la.. but the girl look at me as if shes gonna pick a fight with me that very second..

den that one nevermind.. i can tolerate.. she look at mon as if shes flirting..!! i was like, eh fuck sia tis girl, nak mati ke?? den mon when like, "eurgh..!! b, i got goosebumps all over..." he whispered to me.. i laugh la.. forgetting i laugh too loud.. okies... here's more..

den they took a number and apparently it was much earlier than all of us sitting there.. k, fuck it.. but the moment they sit, they start talking aloud.. ala, attracting attention kate kan.. they were there to sell off their 'branded' shades.. the girl say, "alah, i beli 500bucks, nanti dapat 80 jek.." (translation: "i buy $500, later get oni $80..") so, i and mon look at each other and like imitate la.. den we laugh.. den we have a chat.. talk about stupid2 stuff.. den this girl kip on going out and back in the shop.. i was like, "eh, sial ar, attract laki aku nye attention nampak..??" den mon was like,"hish, tak payah.. geli aku.." den we ended up laughing..

so after that, i asked mon why he say that.. so he told me the story la.. and it goes like this..

One fine day, he went to Orchard Towers to look for this guy, coz got a big issue to be settled.. So when he entered Club R*m*o, he asked for a drink from the bartender... den this chic, or so he thought in the first place, approach him saying "abang, sorang jek..?" (remember to read it with the bapok accent) mon straight away say "whoa, i'm straight bitch.. fuck off" den he go away from the club as far as possible.. i laugh so loud, that the couple look at us.. den i hug him la.. i kiz him on the cheek and say, "i'm so glad you went out of there.. and i'm super glad, you're straight.." den i went on laughing.. i couldnt stop..

wait still got the continuation...

He say, till today he can still remember the voice and the face of the so-called chic... den i ask, how is the voice? and he shriek, "thatz him..!!" He meant the chic.. i went on laughing and couldnt stop.. i hug him and say, "nvm, now u with me, if she or him as you want me to address the person, try to flirt with you, she'll haf to approach me first.." den he go, "stop it sey b... you make me haf goosebumps again.." den we both laugh..

imagine the guy, cut his dick off jux to be a girl.. i mean, why sey.. a girl is a potential victim for rape.. i mean girls, dun get me wrong.. we are a more weaker sex to fight back a guy's strength.. but why the hell the guy go want to be a girl..? eeeeeeewww..... geli sak aku...

i think i stop abt the story here.. it may be funny.. but it disgust me as well..

chiao..

-shasha-9.43am-
-210507-

-swit pie-

2007-05-19T02:11:00.000-07:00

Lets see.. I haven been recovering well as sapoze by the doctor.. but what the heck..

Lets see what can i blog about today.. hmmm..

okies.. i duno what else i could say or do.. i've tried to convince her that i'm sorry.. but guess she just couldn't be bothered to forgive.. never thought she would be so hard-hearted..

i asked advices from mon yesterday night.. i told him everything.. even stating what is on her blog and stuff.. i didnt make up stories though.. while talking, i couldn't help to hold back all the tears that is awaiting to flow down.. haix.. he told me while stroking my head gently, "let it be my dear.. one day she sees the truth.. one day she'll see the sincerity that you've shown for her all this while.. move on with life baby.. i'm always here for you honey.." haix.. his soothing words calm me down, and i sat quietly in his bear hug..

hmm.. i just love him soo muchie.. he knoes how to calm me down in situations like this..

i love you honey..! muackz..!!

To apek: thanks for the compliment my dear fren..! cheers..!!

-shasha-190507-

-5.21pm-

random updates

2007-05-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

first of all, lemme reply to my lovely taggers...

shasha.wirawan: erm, sorie but i dun happen to noe you.. do i? tag me back okies... chiao...

shasha.ain: hey girl, sorie i didnt update ma blog for so long.. been caught up with something.. so now im updating... cheers..

okies... now here goes ma entry for the day...

basically, i've been sick for aredi 4 days..been having high fever of 38.8degrees... so, physically, i've been very weak lately.. til i can't move much.. Mon had to take care of me while he's here.. he gets ma meals ready on time.. gets ma medications ready.. tekap ice cold water on my body while i slept.. til he was so super tired, he fell asleep beside me on the job.. hehe..

yes, its tatz rabak.. but i'm recovering now.. slowly tat is... i still can't stand longer than 8minutes.. coz i'll start to feel giddy-high and nausea... well, tatz life wen i'm sick...

i've been online the whole afternoon, trying to get on with the posting but blogger got tis stupid error issue... now (11.48pm) den i got to create a new post...

i viewed most friends profile at friendster... tag a testimonial on their profile... chat with few peeps at msn... bloghopping... talking about bloghopping... i asked from edmund, my secondary class chairman, for fiza's blog url.. well, he was kinda shocked la that i asked for it coz of the conflict i had with fiza... so he asked "why so sudden?" den i reply la "i miss her la ed..." well, truth is, in fact, i do... i miss her alot...

Fiza has been my bestfriend for 3years... not forgetting tasha too... we 3 girls gone thru alot of obstacles in life... we share almost about everything.. we talk, cry, laugh, get angry, everything, together... but all of it stops when Liyana went into the picture... Ever since then, our friendship got damaged bcoz of the rumours, and we 3 got spilt up... reali split up far apart from each other...

(continue.. got stopped for awhile to eat meal n medication)

anw, we didnt contact for quite a long time now.. i even got so angry at her, i fucked her and told her off.. coz she kept bragging about how great having Liyana as her bestfriend... even tasha start to malas layan her aredi... a year plus haf past.. i haf to admit, it took quite a while for me to cool off.. even tasha cooled off at the same time as me.. we both was talking about fiza lately and decided to give our friendship with fiza anotha chance...

so, i msg fiza at friendster but never got a reply.. texted her at her fone, oso no reply.. i duno.. i give up on this aredi... Fiza can't blame me for this.. i dun understand.. why say we're bestfriends when you jux dump me and tasha for liyana... why say we'll stick together when you won't.. somehow after all that haf happen, i reali miss you girl...

i read her blog just now.. read every single post in her blog.. yes, every single one... some of which hurts me alot... never in my life i maki her or told her off coz i reali care for her.. but jux tat once after she dump both me n tasha.. most of her entries were actually saying tat she hates what i say to her tat fine day and tat she's happy with what she haf now.. after reading everything.. i find myself crying... not because i was hurt of the entries... its bedause i noe that she's gone for good... real good... i won't get her back.. i reali care for her dearly like a sister to me.. taz too... but now i noe she rather live in her fantasize world that she created with Liyana.. as what has been posted in her blog..

i miss her.. the girl who i used to celebrate my birthday with even tho our birthday dates are like one month apart.. haix... i can't seem to say anything.. i lost her.. for real good... *wipe tears*

i may be hardhearted, stubborn n hot-tempered chic.. but i still do haf a heart of caring for friendships and bonds... why can't she just get it over and done with..? why can't she let things cool off and start another fresh life? why is she still insisting that the friendship between us 3 are over and fuck done with.. haiz... i dun understand...

Norhafiza Md Shah. 29 April 89. Taurus. ex-girlfren/bestfren.

i still miss you tho you hate tasha n me.

should i be the one apologising? should i be the one seeking for ways to mend the broken friendship? haix.... *tearing* i duno.. should i jux let go of her and the memories? should i jux forget about her? should i forgive her? should i? you tell me. *holding back tears*

next, self mutilations... haiz... as much as you people out there may hate that due to your own reasons, i hate it coz i've been thru it before... i had ma reasons...

cutting or slashing owns wrist is stupid in many people's eyes.. but it provide a sense of satisfaction to the person doing it.. how would i noe? trust me. i've done it before. not recently. but years back.

it makes the person feel better and forget the problems that the person is facing even tho for a short period of time.. it hurts after sometime.. but frequently doing it makes the person feels numb to it.. like cutting up is no big deal...

Fika, i told you before not to do it again.. but you still do it.. i noe you feel hurt.. but you made a promised.. maybe not only to me but alot others too.. girl, i told you countless times, i've been in your shoes once.. Trust me.. i'm much more worst than you can ever imagine me being what i will describe... i was much of a death person.. Owas thinking of death.. Suicide.. Self-mutilation.. Killings.. tonnes more... i noe you can't imagine me doing all that.. but guess what, thatz me, last time... i hate to open up my past but coz you did it, i might as well, tell you everything..

once i tried to jump from 13th floor at bukit batok... but was stopped by my guy.. we were arguing almost every single day for over 2 months straight... try be in my shoes fika.. what will you do... but i didn't jump...

another time i tried to jump into the river (outside fullerton hotel) after a month of depression due to family probs.. countless times i try doing it but i didn't jump... i am still sane you knoe..

i even tried to kill tis few girls who got in my way of doing something.. but i didn't.. i may look innocent girl.. but i can be vicious if i want to.. but i hide my wild side...

another time i got enuf of shit aredi, i put my pocket knife pointed at my throat.. nice spot enuf for someone to jux accidentally langgar me and the knife went thru my throat and out to the back of my neck... i was fighting, war of words with my guy.. with war of thoughts in my head... with alot of aching in my body... fika, imagine me at knife point.. but, still i didnt do it... til today, nobody allow me to bring my pocket knife with me..

fika, think... you do all that just coz you are facing heartbreaks... try be in my real shoes girl.. maybe you'll understand why i go thru life doing all that... i might be putting myself at knife point, but i'm still not insane enuf to kill myself or hurt myself... why.. coz i got people who cares for me.. people who love me.. probs come and go.. but trust me.. you're not facing the same probs that im facing in my entire life...

you promised girl.. you promised.. but you still do it.. i can't say i'm disappointed.. i jux broke down when i noe it happen again... i dun wan anymore stupid things happening... so pls dik.. dun do it again...

.nur syafiqah.

-shasha-180507-

12.51am

. wat shud i say now? .

2007-04-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

what shud i say now that its happened? what shud i do now that its here? Shud i shut the hell up? Or shud i shout it all out? i duno..

things haven't been nice to me lately.. Well, my body still haven't recovered properly yet.. Those who knoe, knoe what i mean.. Those who don't, hmm.. well jux act as if you knoe okies..

i've been thinking... i've been wondering.. i've been asking questions.. but none of them haf answers for me.. What is all my deep sleep about? Why do i wake up feeling so afraid? What is all the fuss about? What is actually happenning to me? Do i have the answers? Nope.. Its jux anotha set of ma hanging questions..

i'm waiting for you to arrive home.. i'm waiting for ma fone to beep but none of it came out.. i'm waiting for the news you asked me to wait for..

its been 1 year and 2 months and 2 weeks we're together.. and everything seem to have happen so fast.. I'm like totally in love with you.. i could never bear to be apart from you baby.. i wanna live my entire life with you as promised.. i've dedicated my life to you.. i've devote all my emotions and heart, time and space for you.. We both have make arrangements.. We both wanted so much for it all to happen.. We both are awaiting for the happiest day to come.. i love you baby and i never ever lie about it.. you're the one for me and the one i'll love till the end of time..

fuck what other people wanna say about us.. i dun care.. so long as we're true to each other, nothing can stop us from being together.. muackz..

-shasha-290407-

-11.06pm-

= shasha waiting for your safe return =

. its me n u baby .

2007-04-27T02:26:00.000-07:00

its you and me today.. first of all, Happy 2nd Anniversary baby.. its been a great journey in life with you by my side.. we both prayed that its stay tat way till the end of time.. muackz...

-shasha-270407-

Shasha's journey

# think again mr #

# Me - You = Me :) #

# Me + You #

# Special Day #

# Killed #

# Live Dedication #

# Bear in Mind #

# Forever After #

# Update #

# Dusty Blog #

what more...

<3 IMY MUCH

- as of now -

- haix-

- updates -

-look behind my smiles-

- kiss me gently -

- im shag -

picture perfect

the wedding day

- leaving -

- i wish -

= ahh... off day =

- here to confess -

haix..

truth is...

= werds from the heart =

= recents =

= updates =

- here to confess -

= *speechless* =

= ENUF =

= updates =

- haix -

- Dedication -

- i noe -

- tag replies -

- i'm sick of hiding -

- its love -

- why -

- insanity -

- i confess -

- i confess -

- i'm falling - deep down -

- confessions -

- lets play pretend -

- Once upon a time - To Monster Lee -

- warning -

-counting the days-

- babbling about -

-bits and pieces of thoughts-

- specially for the ladies -

- something called flashbacks -

- LONELY DAY -

- a msg to you -

- confessions from me to you -

- explainations -

- confessions -

- the bestest people ard -

- what does it take -

- why the feeling? -

- crossed out - 280907 -

- im the unforgiven -

- tribute to the girl -

- fear -

. im going to be missing you .

- haunting memories -

- tears of a lover -

- la la la la -

- i miss this fella -

- original poetry -

- friendster -

- tell me it hurts -

- tears -

- its happening again -

- we're cool -

- what's wrong -

- To that girl i've been talking abt -

- from Monster & BKUK - my replies -

= speechless =